Noses vs Women Who Have Babies Without Realizing They’re Pregnant

A God-given compass or unwanted surprise?

RYAN: Do you smell that? Yeah, go ahead. Take a whiff. Maybe it smells delicious, like a freshly baked pie taunting you from a nearby windowsill as it cools. Maybe it smells like someone went a little heavy on the Axe body spray in lieu of showering this morning. Whatever that smell may be, you can thank your wonderful—in my case perfectly symmetrical—nose for making it possible. Noses are our own God-given compass, guiding us through this smell-crazy world every single day. Telling us who had a few too many margaritas at lunch (Shawn), which bathroom stalls to avoid (the second), and when Rosie O’Donnell is menstruating (every 19 hours). Through thick and thin, good and bad, lingering and smothering, you can always count on your nose to give a quick, unbiased diagnosis of the situation. It won’t let emotions get in the way, no matter how much your wife may try to blame it on the dog.

SHAWN: When you say “thick and thin” I beseech you not to elaborate on which one refers to Rosie’s menstruation. And you may need a God-given compass to guide you through life, but some people are more impulsive, more intuitive, more willing to see the wind and, rather than smell it, throw caution to it. I am referring, of course, to women who have babies without realizing they’re pregnant. Yes, women who have babies without realizing they’re pregnant are actually the greatest gift God has given us. Why else have water coolers to talk around? Why else have Wal-Mart bathrooms? Why else have the South? They’re all for women who have babies without realizing they’re pregnant. News articles about an “unexpected Christmas gift” or any piece with the quote, “I went into the bathroom and out she came!”—why, that’s a journalist’s dream! You have fun with your nose, smelling the things you feel so inclined to list including poop, Rosie’s uterine lining, and farts.

Every 19 hours.

RYAN: You know what I do to women who have babies without realizing they’re pregnant? Besides pay for them to live on welfare? I thumb my nose at them. They’re the unwanted anchors of society. We could be soaring at fantastic heights in a wonderful utopia if it weren’t for those women holding us down, dumping their unexpected gifts in our Wal-Mart bathrooms (that’s why the second stall smells so bad). I don’t need my nose to tell me something doesn’t smell right with these women. I’m no gynecologist—I do like to dabble—but it can’t be that hard to figure out if you’re pregnant or not. The morning sickness, missed periods, oh, and the fact there’s a damn baby kicking around inside you. It’s not complicated. Hell, about.com even has a surefire 25 signs of pregnancy, which include “just ‘feeling’ pregnant” and “a positive pregnancy test”.

SHAWN: I can’t help but notice how you mentioned the positives of noses all of never in that argument. Thanks for making my point: even you can’t get enough of talking about women who have babies without realizing they’re pregnant. What can you say about noses? Fine, you have them. Whatever. You smell things like poop and menstruation, we get it. Bor-ing. And don’t pretend you know what it’s like to be pregnant just because you were a woman for 19 years. Sure, there are signs, but in many cases these are the same women who can’t recognize the signs that one more hamburger means they can’t leave the house without tearing down a wall. Either way, The Learning Channel wouldn’t exist without these people. What have noses given me besides an extra vacation day for Purim?

See? It's all about image.

RYAN: What have noses given you? Oh, I don’t know, how about a perfect place for your bedazzled glasses to rest? See, noses not only give the gift of smell, but in your case, sight. Really, the importance of noses can not be understated. Not just for smelling and seeing, but also for building a successful career. We all know it’s not just talent and ability. It’s image, and for the right amount of money, that image can be had. Just look at Freddie Prinze Jr., Courtney Love, Ashlee Simpson, Tom Cruise, or even Ashley Tisdale (who?). Without those fan-freaking-tastic noses, no one would give them the time of day (still true for Freddie Prinze Jr., but you’ve got to admire the effort). But if you like relishing in other people’s misfortunes, as you clearly do with women who have babies without realizing their pregnant, then relish in Michael Jackson’s ill-advised nineteen noses. Go ahead. Relish. Relish!

SHAWN: Let’s do a little retrospective science, shall we? Which came first: the nose, or glasses designed to sit on your nose? Tough one. Yeah, there are other ways to see and, without noses, we’d simply work around that (two monocles perhaps?). And I don’t know this Ashley Tisdale you speak of, which makes me think she’s a giant talentless nose. Maybe without noses, we could see Tom Cruise for what he really is—the reincarnated bodily host of Axx9lo Glzzyz, Lord Over the Yyyy Galaxy. And you may relish in misfortune, but I simply appreciate it. It takes a gift—no, a harnessed talent—to miss out on the fact that you’re pregnant. And then it takes a certain level of courage to provide quotes to the local newspaper so your story of ignorant strength can be shared with the masses. What does it take to get a nose? Good genes? Pshaw. You couldn’t smell good genes if they were seeping out of that hideous bump on the front of your face.

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