Mythological beast or fictional dog?
Big shout-out to loyal Danger Queue reader Christine D. for suggesting this dogfight for the ages. If you, dear reader, would like to submit a pairing for an upcoming Danger Queue, please follow the link to the right to submit your own danger!
RYAN: The Loch Ness Monster, or “Nessie” to friends and family like myself, is a timeless part of our culture. Arguably around since as early as the sixth century, Nessie continues to win over people’s hearts with its unusual story of adversity and bravery, despite its understandable reluctance of the spotlight. To this day, Nessie remains relevant, the focus of countless films, studies, and investigations, not to mention its own booming tourism industry. The only relevant thing Lassie has done in recent years is serve as the inspiration for All Dogs Go To Heaven. And if the rumors of Lassie’s sinful ways are true, then that title is a blatant lie.
SHAWN: Oh no! Timmy’s fallen down a well! Whoever will save him? No worries; Lassie will! Wait, wait. OH GOD! TOO LATE! Not only did Timmy fall down the well, but he traveled along the well water to the sea where he was immediately devoured by a crazy monster named Nessie. Reluctant to the spotlight? Around since the sixth century? Are we talking about Nessie or Danielle Steel? Lassie embraces the spotlight, and with good reason—he’s a dog, yet a NATIONAL HERO! And let’s not forget that he rehabilitated troubled children, led the original team of Rescue Rangers to save the world, has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and ended the Cold War. Nessie is a complete myth, whereas Lassie is entirely real, despite being portrayed by 17 different dogs.
RYAN: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Timmy shouldn’t be saved? How many times does he need to fall down a well before he learns to stay away large holes in the ground? Lassie needs to stop being a showboating whore and let Darwinism run its course with Timmy. And really, let’s not fool ourselves here. Lassie doesn’t have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The 17 dogs who played the fictional character Lassie have that star. That’s right. Fictional. Lassie isn’t real while no one has proven that Nessie doesn’t exist. But congrats to those dogs. It’s not like they hand out those stars to everybody in show business. No, you’ve got to have talent to be immortalized with the likes of Ryan Seacreast, Snow White, Ricky Martin, and Erik Estrada.
SHAWN: Granted, not everyone on the Hollywood Walk of Fame has earned his or her spot—some just bedded the right people at the right time. But not Lassie. He earned that star. First of all, Timmy didn’t keep falling down wells. That happened once, and it was more of a mine shaft. Don’t pull a John McCain and start focusing on the mildly retarded bowl-cut imbecile Timmy when Lassie’s the real issue. Just look what Lassie, a freaking DOG, has been able to save Timmy from: dynamite, an escaped circus elephant, a rabid mutt, appendicitis, quicksand, an earthquake, a bull, toxic radiation, nightshade berries, fire, an armed robber, the Grand Canyon, and a bear. A bear, Ryan. And that’s just to name a few. Sure, Darwin wouldn’t call Timmy the “fittest”, but what about the doggone dog who rescues him EVERY SINGLE TIME? Meanwhile, Nessie, a big fat monster too lazy to come out of the water, just seems to sleep.
RYAN: Okay, Lassie did not save Timmy from any of those. The dogs playing Lassie acted out those scripted scenarios for a lame ass television show. Even that’s debatable, as everyone knows that show went through stunt dogs faster than they did Timmys. Regardless, the only real talent Lassie showcased was the uncanny—or should I say “uncanine”—ability to speak, run, and jump on command. What’s that you say? What talents does Nessie have? Oh, I don’t know, just super stealth ability and the brains to outsmart all who try to find it. Yeah. I guess that’s pretty impressive. Pretty REAL impressive. And really, can we stop with the fear mongering and wild accusations? First you call Nessie a crazed monster with the taste for human flesh. Now you call it big, fat, lazy, and possibly suffering from mononucleosis. Those are all blatant lies and you know it. Have some class. You don’t see me mentioning Lassie’s secret Communist ties during the Cold War. And I won’t. Because that wouldn’t be fair to Lassie, no matter how true that may be.
Despite the mono, Nessie still gets plenty of action.
SHAWN: Are you still working the “Lassie isn’t real” defense? Really? Nessie. NESSIE! The only supposed “photo” of this creature was proven to be a hoax, there has been no legitimate physical evidence of him, most scientists find him a waste of time, his name is Nessie, and at most he has been referred to as a “vague disturbance”. So let’s work past the fiction vs. reality aspect and look at the true spirit of each character. Lassie taught the world to believe and has entertained generations. Nessie taught the world to try to Photoshop itself into fame and fortune to no avail. And Nessie’s not stealthy, but shy, like a little chump. Kids today stand up to bullies, help their friends, and love thy neighbors thanks to Lassie. If Nessie were the cultural icon, kids would sit in the phone booth across the street, crying throughout lunch. Like you did.
Next on Danger Queue: Apples vs. Oranges—It’s About Time
Someone Compared Them
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