Acclaimed movie star or delicious lunch concoction?
RYAN: When one thinks of movie stars, and I mean REAL movie stars, few names warrant actual consideration. Tom Hanks. Lindsay Lohan. Julia Roberts. That guy who just died recently. But one man, and I can’t emphasize ‘man’ enough, makes all others look like hacks. Talentless hacks. I talk, of course, of Danny Glover. What Michael Jordan was to basketball, Danny Glover is to movies. An incredible talent that changed people’s lives on a regular basis. But while Michael Jordan would prefer we all forgot about his Washington Wizard days, you’d be hardpressed to find a misstep in the much-accomplished career of Danny Glover. From Angels in the Outfield to the Lethal Weapon series to Operation Dumbo Drop, each film is an unquestionable masterpiece punctuated by acting so riveting, so engrossing that James Lipton may or may not have just came in his pants.
SHAWN: Danny Glover did nothing for movies compared to what Lunchables did for lunch. Danny Glover might as well be Kathy Najimy when compared to the magic Lunchables bring to the table. Cheese, bologna, crackers, a snack?! Everything I need for a heaping helping of homemade lunch sandwiches right at my fingertips (and under my fingernails if the cheese is spreadable). Talk about changing people’s lives on a regular basis—I think we all remember our first discoveries of Lunchables. We used to have to drag huge burlap sacks and bento boxes bursting with meats and cheese and juice boxes and beer and individually wrapped potato chips because parents think it’s cheaper to buy one $3.00 bag and ration it out than buy the 25-cent bags when in reality it’s not; and then, suddenly, you can bring EVERYTHING in one air-contained box of delicious. And don’t even get me started on the advent of Lunchables pizzas. Danny Glover made Gone Fishin’.
Taco Filling? In a packet? What a world we live in!
RYAN: Let’s not get carried away here. While quite nice, Lunchables are in no way comparable to Danny Glover. The man headlined Predator 2 for Christ’s sake! Predator 2! Not only that, but he killed the fucking Predator! Lunchables, on the other hand, starred in little Billy’s lunch last Tuesday. Even that was a stretch, since he traded the yogurt and a future snack consideration for Timmy’s Fruit By The Foot. Face the facts; Lunchables don’t cut it anymore. Its days of lunchroom dominance are long gone, having been unmercifully brought down by our nation’s ill-advised, illogical obsession with “being healthy” and “preventing child obesity”. While Danny Glover continues to completely own the box office, Lunchables have become an empty plastic shell of what they once were. Kraft knows it too. Why else would they sink so low as to offer versions with hot dogs, nachos, chicken nuggets, or even, yes, disgusting, room temperature pizzas.
SHAWN: Yeah, way to take down Predator, Danny Glover. You killed him so good, a whole race of him took on Alien in not a-one, not a-two, but a-TWO recent hit films. Next time you try to do something, Glover, maybe you should finish the job and not leave it up to Alien. We’re all still waiting for Operation Dumbo Drop 2 to tie up loose ends. And way to own the box office too, Glover. Nice job shooting Blindness straight up to number 12 at the box office for the 120th worst opening weekend of all time. And nice job plummeting it to number 21 a week later. You know what plummets about six hours after you eat it—Lunchables. But then you just want to eat it again. And just because you were raised with school lunches of bacon-wrapped cupcakes doesn’t make Lunchables unhealthy. The turkey and cheddar-able is a tight 340 calories…for a whole meal! The pizzas may be a lesser form, but it sounds like you also grew up in a time before microwaves in school cafeterias. How ever did you warm up your pork fat-wrapped hot dog donuts?
Unless it's for Predators.
RYAN: Exactly what loose ends were there in Operation Dumbo Drop? The part where the village needed an elephant, or the part where Danny Glover delivered the elephant as promised? Wow, those ends look pretty tightly wrapped up, if you ask me. Maybe you just missed those key parts of the movie (the beginning and the end) cause you were in the bathroom waiting for those Lunchables to plummet. Need I remind you, the original, and only, appeal of Lunchables was they were ready to go straight out of that sealed plastic case. Stack turkey, cheese, and crackers so high Dagwood would be jealous and I was ready to go. If I had access to a microwave at school, let alone a cafeteria, why the hell would I waste my time with freakin’ Lunchables when I could have made countless other delicious things, like hot dogs, nachos, chicken nuggets, or even, yes, delicious piping hot pizzas? And also, Danny Glover only killed that one caused it killed his friend. Lesson learned, Predators: don’t fuck with Danny Glover.
SHAWN: Sure, the INITIAL intent of Lunchables was to go straight from plastic-sealed curiosity to your belly (which it did fabulously), but Lunchables knows how to grow with the times. Kids like pizza, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, baked beans, and, of course, cracker crunchers. Plus, Lunchables recently upgraded its health with beverages like refreshing spring water. Mmmmm, that sounds nice. And you may always pick the nachos, but the sandwich Lunchables are just as hot as ever! Why? Because kids (and youthful adults from 19 to 90) love a product that literally makes them able to have lunch, and in a delicious fashion. As for Glover, let’s not fight about who still watches Operation Dumbo Drop daily despite Glover most likely completely eradicating it from his resume, but let’s point out that Glover is not what he used to be. There might’ve been a time when you wouldn’t want to fight with Glover (The Color Purple), but now he plays blind guys, video store owners, and does the voice of turtles. Thank God 2006’s The Shaggy Dog can still round out his repertoire. Meanwhile, delicious Lunchables can round out his stomach.
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