Swords vs Hugs

Only one will get actually you somewhere in life.

RYAN: I’m not one to advocate violence, but I’m willing to make a big, big exception for swords. The tool of choice for gladiators, knights, pirates and even poorly trained magicians, swords are indisputably awesome. Perfect for all your stabbing, thrusting, and cutting needs. At the very least, they’ll intimidate the hell out of anyone you come across. All you have to do is look them dead in the eyes and slowly unsheathe your sword a few inches. I don’t remember the last time a hug intimidated me. All they do is make things awkward. Do I go in with two arms? Or just one shoulder? Should I pat on the back? Do I go high or low? Hugs are just too damn confusing.

Should have gone high, my friend.

SHAWN: Swords are so 5 years ago. We live in a time of peace, a time of love, a time of Obamanomics. Put away your dirty swords and bring on the hugs. Hugs are good for any occassion: birthdays, bar mitzvahs, holidays, weekends, birthdays, bat mitzvahs, just because. When you get a hug, you feel warm, fuzzy, and complete. When you get stabbed with a sword, you feel warm, but from the trickling blood, and then you just feel dead. And don’t say hugs aren’t intimidating; ever see a bear squeeze the life out of a grown man? You should. And, even if you awkwardly mess up a hug, it’s no big deal. You’ll get it right next time. Awkwardly stab the wrong person with your sword, not so easy a fix.

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RYAN: Hugs are good for any occasion cause they mean nothing. They’re the horrible in-between of human contact. It’s hardly considered romantic. It’s not even on the metaphorical baseball field of romance. Oh, you got a hug? Maybe next time, slugger. But by no means are hugs professional either. I doubt any businessmen out there are sealing a deal with a hug. No, they go with a hearty handshake with an extra-hard squeeze to show they mean business. There’s no gray area with swords. They’re instruments of death and intimidation. And I assure you my sword is not dirty. I always wipe off the blood when I’m finished cutting and stabbing. That’s just common courtesy. I wouldn’t want to give someone some sort of disease in addition to stabbing them. That’d be cruel.

SHAWN: Sorry hugs aren’t romantic; looks like you’ll have to find another way to run the bases with your mother. I’m not sure what kind of hugs you give in your family, but how many unwanted pregnancies come out of Thanksgiving? The purpose of hugs isn’t to score points with the ladies or your boss. They’re so you can be held and happy, coddled like the baby you often wish you could regress to before you accidentally make poopies at work (cough, cough, Ryan). There’s only gray area when you awkwardly stroke your coworker’s ass after her “sorry about your grandfather” hug (cough, cough, Shawn). Clean your sword all you like, but I’d rather not see where you’re apparently thrusting your hugs.

Arthur was known for being a poor hugger.

RYAN: There was only one unwanted Thanksgiving pregnancy, about 24 years ago, and I think it’s safe to say there’s no regrets about that one (right, Mom?). If being coddled and held are high on your priority list, then I sure hope you and your needy self get all the hugs you so desperately crave. The rest of us men out there, who sweat testosterone out of our pores each and every day, recognize swords as a tool for getting things done. Arthur didn’t become king by giving out hugs to everyone in Great Britain. And Aragorn didn’t defeat Sauron’s forces and save Middle Earth by way of the hug. No. They did these things with swords and swords alone.

SHAWN: You know what? I’m just gonna say it. Who uses a sword anymore? We have things called guns now (have you heard?) and if somebody came after you with a sword and you had an uzi, let’s just say the guy with the sword wouldn’t look quite so masculine. And both of your examples for proper sword usage are fictitious, although some based on truth (Lord of the Rings is pretty much the Susan B. Anthony story). But you know what’s still just as pervasive and important as they were in the Middle Ages? Hugs. Whether you’re spreading your arms or the plague, they’ve always been a useful tool for interpersonal connections. And you don’t have to be needy to enjoy a hug, you cold, cold soul. You just have to be human. And not Howie Mandell.

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Next On Danger Queue: Joe Six-Pack vs Joe The Plumber—
America’s Only Big Enough For One Of Them

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