108 floors of glory or 52 cards of manliness?
SHAWN: When you’re done looking at your deck of nudie male cards, let me show you something eight times as awesome and 108 times more phallic. Yes, the Sears Tower. Bursting through the Chicago sky with equal parts moxie, sway, lust and zeal, it casts a shadow of both recognition and joy upon the Midwest. Thanks for being just about the tallest building in the world that we aren’t going to waterboard (sorry, Middle East)! You look like Jenga with antennas, and who hasn’t played Jenga without wishing two antennas came with the pack? Sure others have come along to fight you, like the Trump Tower, but they could not, and instead only get to shine their merciless light into my fucking eyes while I type this.
RYAN: When I’m done? More like if I’m done. The beautiful thing about this deck of nudie male cards (besides the musclebound men) is that there’s 52 of them, meaning I can look through them for hours and hours and hours. One look at the Sears Tower and I think “I’ve seen bigger” and immediately move on. After all, the Sears Tower is just another instance of a guy with a Napoleon complex trying to overcompensate for his tiny penis, right alongside the Washington Monument, the Dallas Cowboys, and that giant statue of the Jolly Green Giant. Rest assured, there’s no overcompensating with the 52 men adorning these cards. Well, actually 53 if you include the strapping firemen twins on the king of hearts. Phallic symbols are nice and all, except that anyone can make up anything when it comes to symbology. Oh, yeah, the candelabra really symbolizes the lost innocence of your youth. Sure it does, Grisham.
I want my money back, Grisham!
SHAWN: Good point: nothing says “I have a huge penis” like staring at 52 naked men. The men on those cards might not be compensating, but a musclebound freak in an assless fireman’s costume, rescuing a kitten from a burning forest? Yeah, that’s not some overcompensating fantasy; everyone knows firemen just let forests burn themselves out. Just stare at those cards and dream away. But you know what else you could stare at? The beautiful Chicago landscape from the top floor of the Sears Tower. Sure, it gets uncomfortable rubbing one out with 8-year-old tourists surrounding you, but not more uncomfortable than the multiple times your wife caught you doing the same with the four of diamonds. You were “admiring the artwork”. She totally believes that.
RYAN: Unlike you and the creator of the Sears Tower, some of us don’t need to convince the world that we’re well-endowed. I know I’m perfectly comfortable with the size of my penis, which, for the record, is huge. So I don’t need a deck of cards to say “I have a huge penis” when the giant bulge in my pants does the trick quite nicely. The cards aren’t about that anyways. They’re more about spicing up the otherwise monotonous world of card games with a well-placed wang and some glitter here and there. Imagine your grandma busting these cards out at her weekly gin rummy game with her girlfriends. She might be a little more reluctant to give up that 7 of clubs since she likes the way the light bounces off that doctor’s thunder.
SHAWN: Did you just ask me to imagine my grandmother staring at porn? I think that might be an open-and-shut case against the people who are for these male nudie cards you love so much. Plus, everyone knows that bulge in your pants is a pear, since the stem is clearly sticking out. That’s the thing about the Sears Tower—nobody’s going to look at it and be all, “Wow, I bet it’s really small.” Because it is huge. Forget the creator; we’re talking about the building and the building makes Ron Jeremy look like he has a mole down there. And you know what else would spice up grandma’s card game? Playing it at the top of the tallest building in the United States. The Sears Tower is so big, it had to have sway built into its foundation to accommodate wind and airplanes. Your deck of nudie male cards, however, are so unpopular, you can only buy them at specialty shops or on eBay from user Ryan69, who for some reason has an unlimited supply.
Shawn's grandma doesn't like losing gin rummy.
RYAN: Not only did I ask you to imagine your grandma looking at porn, but I’m pretty sure you just did. Regardless, we all know people aren’t impressed by tall buildings anymore, no matter how big, phallic, wind-resistant, or phallic they may be. Even if they were, which I just clearly proved they aren’t, they wouldn’t bother wasting their time with something as lame as the Sears Tower. Not only is it no longer the tallest building in the world anymore, but it only was because of the added antennas on the top. How the hell antennas count is beyond me. That’s like you claiming you’re 5’9″ just because you’re wearing a giant top hat and platform shoes. Nobody’s buying it, so you shouldn’t be selling it, unlike Ryan69’s seemingly endless supply of nudie male cards, which are selling like the hot cakes shown on each and every card (Buy It Now for $4.99 plus shipping!). At least with with said deck of cards, there’s no debating they’re as pure as they are erotic. No camera tricks. No prosthetics ala Marky Mark in Boogey Nights. Just real, unbridled man dong. Just the way we like it.
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