Is twelve inches really enough?
RYAN: Before we even dive headfirst into this ruler versus yardstick debate, we need to lay out a few ground rules. A) Let’s keep this civilized and avoid making this into a debate about who is bigger with the obvious undertones. 2) No ‘that’s what she said’ jokes. You won’t find anyone who supports that retort as much as me, but let’s try to resist the urge to follow up discussions about how to handle such large objects with the obvious. Agreed?
Or is it "Yardstick Should Yardstick For Success"?
SHAWN: Your conditions are intense, sir, but I suppose I can agree to them. It may take all of my moxie to work around it, but God knows I have plenty to spare. Let us allow the great mass debating of these two firm objects be based on great truths rather than size or comedic effect. It may be long and hard, but someone will finish. That’s…….. what…… she ARRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
RYAN: You came pretty close there but I’ll chalk that one up to overexcitement. Maybe step back and catch your breath for a few minutes. Really, there isn’t much of an argument for the yardstick. The ruler is the clear winner. It’s a much more manageable twelve inches. It’s easy to handle and pretty much fits wherever you’d want to put it. Trapper keeper. Desk drawer. Backpack. It’s goes anywhere. It might be tight some places, but that’s to be expected. Sure, the yardstick looks impressive. But try working with it and it’s clear it’s way too much. It takes two hands alone to even keep it up. And where you going to put it?
SHAWN: So, hey, I was wondering how long the hallway here is. Why don’t you break out your ruler and see how long it takes to measure it? Let’s just say I know a secret to do it not once, not twice, not thrice, but THRICE as fast. The yardstick is the hip, new measurement device of the MTV generation. We don’t have time for your rulers. We like things big and fast, and the yardstick measure big things…fast! Go watch reruns of Dallas, ruler; yardstick’s ready for Tila Tequila. And as for where to put it? Maybe if you were a little more worldly, you may have heard of this little country called France where bicyclists parade down city streets with baguettes longer than Shaquille O’Neal reaching out to the heavens like a glorious apostrophe. And, no, they don’t fall out of the baskets.
I don't get it... wait... nope
RYAN: Tila Tequila? The Hills? My Super Sweet Sixteen? You sure you really want to associate the yardstick with the MTV generation? Have you ever watched any of those shows? Wait. Let me rephrase. Have you ever willingly watched any of those shows? Go ahead and have the MTV generation, yardstrick. The ruler is for those with a more sophisticated taste when it comes to measuring devices. A taste based on what real people actually need: making graphs, drawing shapes, and measuring things when no one else is around.
SHAWN: Using a ruler to draw and create shapes? I didn’t realize Isaac Newton was still working. I believe there’s a little invention called the computer that takes care of this obsolete “ruler” you speak of and draws graphs pretty much ON ITS OWN. Granted, you might question if yardsticks are also obsolete. To which I would say to try smacking somebody’s ass with a ruler without them noticing you coming up from behind. Let’s not pretend measuring devices are still for more than ass-smacking.
RYAN: If that’s all you’re using them for, then you’ll probably want to invest in a 50-foot stick, or whichever length fits within the restrictions of your ensuing restraining order. Rulers useless? You’re quite mistaken. Rulers are just as important today as they were yesterday and the day before yesterday. What else am I supposed to stick my pencil in and spin around in the air? A piece of paper? Puh-lease. And how else am I supposed to verfiy the dimensions of my 3×5 index card and 8×11 sheet of paper? Maybe you could argue that computers have kind of rendered them somewhat useless, but you could say that about most things and 40% of the world’s population. At least rulers go with a commonly used length. Does anyone outside of football ever use yards? Can’t we just retire that alongside the furlong and league and be done with it already?
SHAWN: Just like a ruler fan to not trust a company that makes index cards for a living to actually make them 3″x5″ when they say they will. And that’s kinda what the ruler’s all about – that little tight-knit friend for obsessive, anal-retentive measuring geeks. Maybe the world would be a better place without it tying down these potentially bright-eyed productive humans. At least the yardstick measures something manly, like football fields. And even if the computer has deemed the yardstick obsolete as well, at least I couldn’t estimate its length with a magazine. Nobody ever asks, “How big is that?” and someone eyes it next to their shoe and says, “Oh, about a yard.” You can take my furlong and you can take my league, but as long as the Browns stand to lose another game, you can never take my yardstick.
Next on Danger Queue: Georgia vs. Georgia—The Little Country That Could Or
The Big State That Wouldn’t Want Them To
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