Dostoevsky's going to feel so stupid after reading this.
Ever since the two were joined together in holy literature (Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret?), there’s been a consistent battle over who claims the more badass territory. Finally, Dostoevsky can truly rest in peace.
SHAWN: There are two things in this world that you can really count on: taxes and vehicular manslaughter. Crime is the ultimate in interesting. Sure, sometimes it results in injury or your pants suddenly disappearing, but it’s more interesting than Rosie Live and only half as violent. What would Law & Order be without the first half of the episode? Order? Lame. It’s the destruction of order that keeps us interested. We wouldn’t even have cereal, as mascots teach us the only way to get it is by stealing it. As unfortunate an evil as it is, we need crime or we’d be bored to death—which also should be a crime.
RYAN: If you weren’t so busy trying to track down your missing pants, you’d have realized crime’s nothing without the punishment. What makes crime so much more interesting than Rosie Live (which is saying a lot) is the risk of jail time, court-mandated community service, or at the very least a hefty fine. Take away the punishment and every law turns into an empty threat, like when parents say they’re going to turn the car around or when my wife says she’s going to leave me. Neither of those carry any weight. If you want people to follow the rules, they need to know there will be repercussions for their actions. Otherwise it’d be anarchy. Anarchy, Shawn. Anarchy.
Sometimes empty threats do work.
SHAWN: Are we heading to chicken/egg territory now? Because nobody would’ve even invented punishment without a little crime thrown in. It wasn’t until somebody realized, “Hey, my shit got stolen and I’m not happy,” that we decided to lock people in a cell where they could become angrier and angrier until they kill the other guy in that cell. Which would you rather watch: a half-hour of a guy paying a judge, or a half-hour of The Joker breaking into a bank using every trick in the exciting book of crime? Criminals are the delicious butter in our white bread world. Plus, with crime, you have the added bonus of fighting back. Watching someone get tied down to be electrocuted to death doesn’t have the thrill of the hunt, the fear of getting caught, the ability to lay the smack down before it’s first laid down upon you.
RYAN: Well, thank you very much crime for forcing our hand and making us create punishment to deter people from stealing, killing, and littering. If it weren’t for you…well, frankly, I don’t want to imagine a world without crime. What a horrible place that would be. People walking the streets at night without knowing the thrill and excitement of thinking they could be raped at any minute. Old people living without fear of being snuffed out by their greedy, money-grubbing children. If you can even call that living. Which I don’t. Really, what’s the point of living when you’re not even worried about being held hostage in your own home by a gun-wielding madman who’s down on his luck? Thank God crime is as prevalent as it is so we don’t even have to consider such wild hypotheticals.
Is there a note? Did they leave a note??
SHAWN: Well, thank goodness punishment came along to solve all crime and create utopia. Nobody ever shatters car windows anymore: how could they possibly live with themselves after a “good talking to” and a slap on the wrist? If there’s one thing that deters and solves crime, it’s punishment—just ask O.J. And, admit it, your world without crime would be as eventful as Season 3 of Boohbah. Plus, I don’t think you have to worry about being raped, and don’t even bring up that time you were strutting around in those assless chaps. You were asking for it and that guy at the gas station just wanted a taste. These crimes you refer to don’t happen often and surely don’t destroy the fabric of this great country. Forcing every movie and newspaper to only talk about lilies and skipping in your little crimeless world, however; that’s just cruel and unusual.
RYAN: I’m going to give all the readers a minute to google “Boohbah” so they’ll pick up on your joke. Maybe next time don’t go with an obscure reference to a crappy children’s television show. Just remember, kids aren’t reading this unless they think it has something to do with the Jonas Brothers. Even then, they’re probably only looking at the pictures and then commenting on how sexy they all are. But I digress. Your argument against punishment is as flawed as your “he was asking for it” rape defense. Just because there’s still crime doesn’t mean punishment isn’t working as a deterrent. Sure, there are still a few bad apples and O.J.’s out there, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ignored my strongest desires to get my stab on (most notably right now) because of the surefire murder charges. Punishment may not stop all crime and create your “Boohbah” utopia, but at least it’s doing something. Crime’s not doing anything to stop crime. If anything, crime’s helping crime.
Next on Danger Queue: The Wright Brothers vs. Tia and Tamera Mowry—Brother Brother or Sister, Sister?
Danger Queue 