A much-needed comparison of apples and oranges.
SHAWN: Comparing apples to oranges, first of all, isn’t comparing apples to oranges. Because oranges are phenomenal. Juicy, strong, would kick any other pseudo-round fruit’s ass in a race (I’m looking at you, apple and pawpaw)—it’s the fruit for people who just love scrumptious things. Plus, it’s unique: not only does nothing rhyme with it (not even “corange”, Ryan, as that’s not a word) but it’s the only fruit whose name and color are identical. Rich in vitamin C and cuteness, it provides the yummiest and most popular juice in the world. What would be California’s most up-and-coming county without it? Blank County? Would you watch The BC? No, because you’d think it’s a TV show about God-fearing cavemen who write Easter riddles on slate. Get ’em all year round, even in the winter when everything else is dying! They’re ORANGE delicious!
What's the OC without oranges?
RYAN: Color me impressed. It takes a special something to be able to make it as both a fruit AND a juice. But while oranges can settle for just being “special”, people expect so much more out of apples. That’s why they’re used in everything: juice, cider, sauce, pie, candy, martinis. Hell, even McDonald’s makes apples part of their Happy Meals nowadays. And maybe you’ve heard of Johnny Appleseed? The American pioneer who travelled the country, spreading the joy of the single greatest fruit by planting appleseeds. I don’t remember hearing any stories of Johnny Orangeseed in American folklore. And last I checked, Steve Jobs wasn’t running a company named “Orange”. Oh, and not to spoil your “unique” angle, but according to our good friends at Urban Dictionary, “corange” is quite the word, as in “Oranges are very corange, despite apples’ clear superiority.”
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SHAWN: Were you that kid who cited Wikipedia on his college papers? Urban Dictionary? Really? So we should count “corange” as much a word as “frenemy” and “shoplift the pooty”? And you want me to color you impressed? Sure, apple, which color? Red, green, yellow, black? Pick a color, indecisive fruit! Congrats on making it into McDonald’s Happy Meals, along with “chicken” nuggets that are made from Korean children. At least McDonald’s knows apples are gross and can sit around for ages—notice how they won’t taint the delicious, fresh oranges of the world? Not that they could, since the far healthier orange would just dry out when cut into slices and locked in a cellar with Grimace. And no Johnny Orangeseed needed; oranges, like all citrus fruits, are interbreedable! Have fun! So while you and your apples sip appletinis and get your mammograms, the oranges are inviting those busty grapefruits over for screwdrivers and a hot, sexy orangey.
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RYAN: You know that saying “an orange a day keeps the doctor away”? Yeah, me neither. I wonder why that it is. Oh, I know. Cause everyone and their mom knows if you really want to keep the doctor away, you eat an apple every day. If you like dropping your money on doctor visits filled with rubber gloves and obscenely large popsicle sticks, go ahead and eat that orange. If that’s not your thing, you might want to consider the apple. They’re jam packed with nutrients and vitamins that other fruits can only dream about. That’s why when Ronald McDonald and gang needed a healthy alternative to french fries, they went with the apple. They probably didn’t even think about the orange, that’s how much the apple dominates the world of fruits. Maybe that incestuous orange of yours should go sleep around some more and create another type of fruit that no one but you will want to eat. Hopefully it will still be orange, since apparently you hate things with too many colors. That’s fine. But then how do you explain your torrid love affair with rainbows?
Don't see any oranges on that tree. I wonder why.
SHAWN: You brought this upon yourself by bringing up popsicle sticks, but let’s consider a little something called delicious popsicles. When was the last time a big-eyed kid approached, asking for a satisfying apple-flavored popsicle…or apple-flavored anything for that matter? And don’t play that “green apple” crap—that’s God’s flavor accident, right alongside buttered popcorn and coconut. Oranges clearly know a thing or two about versatility and making their way into children’s mouths. And why keep the doctor away? Remember what happened last time we kept doctors away? Yeah, that was AIDS, Ryan. And we couldn’t do anything about it until we let the doctors in. Plus, even if historians like Sarah Palin could prove that it was any other fruit besides the apple that led to the fall of mankind, advent of sin, and creation of all things horrible when Eve ate it, there’s no denying apples are the root (in this case, branch) of all evil. It’s even in the name: the Latin word for evil and apples IS THE SAME (mala). Last I checked, rainbows only symbolized God’s forgiveness. Roast an apple for me in Hell.
RYAN: I’m shocked that you’ve sunk so low to resort to the popsicle defense. Really? Popsicles? What’s next—Skittles and Jolly Ranchers? Oh, no, apples and evil have the same Latin root. What a coincidence! Yeah, coincidence. Nothing more. But even if eating apples is wrong, well then maybe I don’t want to be right. Sure, the creation of sin is kind of bad and all, but at this point, we can’t unring that bell. Eve already took a bite of the forbidden fruit, and really, who can blame her? God was probably all “Hey, don’t eat those delicious, juicy apples behind you. Instead have one of those orange things over there. But don’t eat the outside. That’s no good.” Gee, I wonder what happened? Maybe God should have made man to be little less succeptible to temptations. Like hobbits. So at this point, why even bother eating other kinds of fruit, especially oranges? We might as well eat all the apples that we can. What’s God going to do about it? Put us on double secret probation? I don’t think he’s got it in him.
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Next On Danger Queue: Swords vs Hugs—Great Tools Of Death
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