One always needs 'in bed' added to the end. The other always ends in bed.
RYAN: It’s really hard to compare fortune cookies to abstinence. One is a wonderful concept that makes people secure with themselves and gives hope for the future. The other is part of the Jonas Brothers Disney-generated commercial appeal. Their respective Venn Diagrams only overlap with Chinese food which, according to their Wikipedia page, the Jonas Brothers love. So that’s GOTTA be true. But in ten years, long after they’ve faded away into the same nothingness as Hillary Duff and other Disney castoffs, fortune cookies will still be here, making general, occasionally accurate predictions for millions of people everyday. And, depending on where you go, lucky numbers.
Ryan's current wallpaper.
SHAWN: Whoa, whoa, whoa – I haven’t even issued my statement and you’ve already turned this into a battle between fortune cookies and the Jonas Brothers. Just because you have pin-ups of them gracing your ceiling (what does your wife think of that?), doesn’t mean they’re the end-all figureheads for abstinence. Lest we forget Sarah Palin. Either way, how many times have you found a fortune that has come true? Once? Never? “Something exciting will happen to you.” Yeah, name one time. You know a better way to predict the future? Abstinence. An STD-free future without an accidental baby. God gave us our sexuality and people like you make a mockery of it every time you pop another fortune cookie’s cherry.
RYAN: You’re missing the point, yet again. Fortune cookies aren’t about whether or not the prediction comes true—I’m still waiting to find my true love on Flag Day—it’s about giving depressed losers something to cling to in their otherwise meaningless lives. Rather than drowning their sorrows in a giant plate of tear-soaked General’s Tso’s chicken, they anxiously look forward to that magical scrap of paper inside their cookie. That’s if they can even hold off ‘til the end of their meal. And if they can’t wait it out, no problem. Unlike abstinence, it’s okay if you can’t hold back, if you want to give in to your inner most desires, if you just want to indulge yourself and dive into that fortune cookie right away.
SHAWN: Fine. Go ahead and dive right on into that fortune cookie. Indulge yourself. Wait, what’s that fortune inside say?: “Now you have AIDS. Lucky numbers are 6, 15, 29, and a lifetime of rejection.” And you yourself you you even said the best part of the fortune cookie is the anticipation it gives the loser who cares. Well, what better thing for losers to anticipate than a healthy, God-fearing sexual relationship? That fortune cookie anxiety dies pretty fast, after a 7-minute meal and a fortune that doesn’t add value (“You will soon experience an experience”). Abstinence anxiety can be held and coddled for upwards of, well, forever, if you’re loserly enough. So, if fortune cookies are great, why not pick yourself up the new forever fortune cookie—abstinence?
A gold fortune cookie would have been tacky.
RYAN: Oh, man. I’m going to get AIDS? What a horrible fortune! What am I going to do? Oh, I don’t know. Prove the cookie wrong! See, even if the fortune is bad, it just serves as motivation to spite the cookie and not let that happen. That’s why when my wife got one implying she’d be pregnant soon, I made it a point to “accidentally” push her down the stairs on a weekly basis. Point, set, match. Sure, some people will say the easier answer in that case would have been abstinence. But those are the same people who have incredible forearm strength and constantly suffer from tennis elbow despite never having played the game.
SHAWN: Prove the cookie wrong? Yeah, that’s why you fortune cookie folks end up centering your lives around a scrap of paper typed up by a 6-year-old Korean girl—you don’t quite understand how this little thing called ‘the world’ works. You think you can get a definitive fortune and then retroactively fix things, while abstinence takes a delightfully proactive approach. You’re the kind who supports Bush to fix a war that he started. I’m the kind who says he shouldn’t have had his way with the Middle East in the first place and got Iraq all knocked up. You may have a fortune taped to your computer monitor reminding you that you pushed your wife down the stairs, but I’ll take a promise ring that reminds me I’m still allowed oral.
Next on Danger Queue: Wednesday vs. Autumn—What if Every Day Could be Like Hump Day?
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