A day in the week, or a season each year?
The world smells fresh. The trees sway with hope. The sun beats down like God’s majestic heart. Clearly, it’s Wednesday…or autumn. We can’t put time in a bottle, but we can definitely decide which unit of it kicks the other’s abstract ass.
RYAN: With most days of the week, you know exactly what you’re getting. Saturday and Sunday, the weekend days, are the gold standard. Friday rides their coat tails and likes to think it’s a weekend and better than it really is. Thursday is Friday’s wannabe sidekick, and on occasion gets to be substitute Friday. Monday is a miserable mess, which brings Tuesday down with it. But Wednesday. Oh, sweet, sweet Wednesday. The wild card of the week. Not to be overlooked or underestimated. Wednesday’s glory comes from the unexpectedness it brings with it. Autumn is the same thing each year. Trees change colors. Leaves fall. Every. Single. Year. Whoopity doo.
SHAWN: Did you just dare call autumn boring? Uninspired? Typical? Well, let’s just say it’s one of those crazy “terrible” Mondays you speak of as I’m writing this AND it’s the first day of autumn. And, oh, it’s like 80 degrees, brilliant, with green trees and love in the air. Spontaneous and perfect. But even if it does cool off, we’re only looking at 50s and 60s with beautiful colors, pumpkin patches, cider, costume parties, pumpkin patches, a new President, and candy galore. I’m not sure about you, sir, but I do not hate candy. Plus, all those hideous brats are back in school and the world is once again for adults (sorry, many of my younger relatives, but you know as well as I do that you’re obnoxious). Wednesday. Hump day. Last I checked, nobody brags about humps. Ask Quasimodo.
Shawn loves pumpkin patches so much, he mentions them twice.
RYAN: So the first day of autumn is great because it’s just like summer? Am I understanding that right? At what point are we going to stop kidding ourselves and realize seasons are just outdated labels? Everyone knows in another 10 years, autumn is going to be completely non-existent thanks to global warming (or God for all the Sarah Palins out there). So when it’s 95 degrees out on October 1st, will you still be talking about how great autumn is? The good thing about Wednesday is that it’s always going to be here. Every seven days. No excuses. Maybe you’d have a greater appreciation for Hump Day is you celebrated it the intended way. I don’t want to spell it all out for you, but it involves you, your lady friend, a comfortable bed with solid headboard, and new episodes of Bones. (Wednesdays on Fox. Check local listings.) As for no one bragging about humps, perhaps you haven’t heard of a little someone I like to call Fergie. You know, the ultra-talented artist/super megastar, who so eloquently sings about her hump, her hump, her lovely lady lumps.
SHAWN: Scenario: it’s one of your “wonderful” Wednesdays you speak of, you hop down on the couch with your dog – you fix his wig on nicely and call him “your girlfriend” like usual – and you click on Fox, ready for some good old Bones. And, look, it’s the one where Bones and Angel are dealing with their sexual tensio…YOU’VE SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE! A rerun? Why’s it a stupid rerun? Oh, yeah, because you think autumn’s worthless so you don’t believe in the new fall schedule. Have fun watching The Sex & the City girls buy new hats over and over again for the rest of your life. And, even if the “globe” does “warm” or “gravity” does “exist” (go abstinence!), autumn will still be here – warmer, colder, whatever. Wednesdays are so short too – 24 hours at a time? Are you a fan of autumn? Enjoy for three months! I’ll pass on your lady lumps, Fergie. I’m busy anyway (as Earth Wind and Fire put it), ba de ya, dancing in September.
Sad fact: those "lady lumps" could be cancerous.
RYAN: As flawless as your logic is, which it isn’t, do you really think without autumn, television networks wouldn’t have new shows? Those are the same brainiacs who released new shows last year without writers. Writers, Shawn. Writers. The backbone of entertainment. I doubt autumn, the fourth best season, could do what millions of striking writers and bearded entertainers couldn’t. But sorry, I didn’t realize that 24 hours of Wednesday is too short for you. What? Not long enough for you to sleep ’til noon, watch reruns of Golden Girls, and then play Warcraft for eight hours straight? No, that’s cool. Those experience points aren’t going to accumulate themselves.
SHAWN: I’m not sure what you do on Wednesdays and if you still have a job and why whenever I ask you how work’s going you respond with anything from “slow trash pick-up day” to “scoured Mars again”, but it’s been years since I’ve had a Wednesday of sleep, Getty, and catching the last Deeprun Tram to Gnomeregan to use my magic points on new chain mail (sorry, Warcraft fans, for the likely inaccuracies – we still appreciate your readership). Wednesdays to me are just like Mondays or Fridays or Thursdays or even Tuesdays – WE WORK! All day. Autumn has possibility and hope and, yes, weekends. Leaves don’t fall from trees because of death, but because they are free! Break free from the chains of work and Wednesday and embrace the goodness that is autumn.
Next on Danger Queue: The Fourth Amendment vs. The Tenth Commandment—Thou Shalt Tune In
Danger Queue 