Does a Full House beat a Straight if there's Three of a Kind?
SHAWN: Some people, when they look around, see a hopeless world of poverty and war. Others see a hand to hold on to. Everywhere they look. And that’s why the zany, lovable, utopian dilemmas of the Tanner family make Full House quite possibly the greatest invention since the four-slot toaster. What silly miswording will Michelle come up with today? How insecure will Stephanie feel? What will Danny clean? What STD will Uncle Jesse come down with? GIBBLER!!! We loved and knew these characters for eight seasons of joy. Some may call the Tanners’ resolve impossible, but I think they gave us hope and laughter like none other. Remember when Danny proposed to Vicky at DisneyWorld or when the girls illegally won on the Vegas slots? They may not be a “typical” family, but they’re part of all of ours. I like a world where any problem can be solved with a Bullwinkle impression. Carry me home, light; carry me home
RYAN: I think enough time has passed that we can throw back the curtain on Full House and expose it for what it really is: a gay rights vehicle to push the homosexual agenda down our throats along with who knows what else. Come on, a house full of three grown men? One who is an obsessive compulsive neat freak, another who’s alter-ego puppet loves “wood”, and the other with that fabulous head of hair. And, to top it off, they live in freakin’ San Fransisco. I don’t care how many children happened to live there or whose wife “died”, Danny, Joey, and Jesse were the Will & Grace of the late 80s/early 90s only without all the Emmy nominations. I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now. I prefer my leading men unambiguously straight. Thankfully, the good, God-fearing people of California got their act together and passed Proposition 8. Now, Danny, Joey, and Jesse and the rest of those scofflaws will have to take their sinful ways inland.
Damn that's one fine mane.
SHAWN: Clearly when all of us were watching Full House during the ’90s, you were watching The Full Monty. Rebecca Donaldson much? Ever heard of her? The token hottie? The one the guys all wanted to bone? How dare you use Full House to relay your discrimination and hate! There were three happy heterosexual men (two were step-brothers, for God’s sake) caring for three future lesbians in the city by the bay and there’s nothing wrong with that. Lest we forget San Fran also gave us Bruce Lee and Clint Eastwood. And I’m on the phone with Clint right now, telling him how you called him gay and, don’t worry, he has your address. You straight people are all the same: projecting your homophobia onto a perfectly family friendly show. But you know what? What if it WAS pro-gay rights? Maybe we all enjoyed eight years of the smartest, most progressive show ever to air on network television without even realizing it. Of course, that wasn’t the case; you’ve seen how Joey dresses.
RYAN: Danny, Joey, and Jesse may have been happy, but that’s most certainly because they were having so much fun being gay together. I can’t say I blame them. Their gay group dynamic is unparalleled. Between the three of them—Rebecca’s favorite spot—you’ve got all your bases covered. Looks (Jesse), laughs (Joey), length (Danny). But don’t you dare call that show family friendly. Family friendly shows don’t corrupt the morals of our youth by teaching them it’s okay to wear pants as tight as Uncle Jesse’s. Family friendly shows repsect the institution of marriage. If I want to watch a bunch of grown men hugging and touching each other, I’ll watch football. At least then I won’t have to explain anything to my non-existent kids. Oh, and I’m going to go ahead and take your “you straight people” comment out of context and lump you together with the rest of those San Franscisco treats. That includes you, Eastwood. What’s he going to do about it? Make Paint Your Wagon 2?
SHAWN: I’m not shocked that you obviously never made it to the end of Paint Your Wagon, what with you only needing about three minutes with it before you finished. But it ends with a bull and bear fight and a town collapsing (thanks, Wiki)—not nearly as homoerotic as your ass-smacking Monday Night Football. And which one of us was the first to mention Jesse’s tight pants and an “unparalleled gay group dymanic”? Uh… last I checked, you can’t call a potato an unparalleled vegetable unless you were pretty damn familiar with vegetables. And don’t dismiss your latent homosexuality because you’re married, as two of the men in what you consider a pornographic triumvirate were also married by the end of the show. Some of us watched Full House without staring at Jesse’s hair and ass, and understood the actual plot and laughed at the Tanner family’s antics. So have fun keeping your non-existent kids (someone seems to be having trouble procreating) away from every TV show imaginable because daddy can’t stop harboring feelings for John Stamos.
Football. A sport for the manliest of men.
RYAN: Sorry, I got a little confused with your last paragraph. There’s a lot of insults and innuendos that inaccurately paint me as a masturbating, sterile gay man—at least more than usual—but you never dispute that Full House is a show about three gay men. Looks like the last ditch attempt of someone who knows he’s about to lose. Attacking character instead addressing the issue at hand. Are you going to make an appearance on SNL too? It’s a nice try, but it won’t work. Americans are (finally) too smart for that. But if you’re one of the people who can watch Full House and enjoy the humor and plot, I applaud you for your ability to ignore the facts no matter how obvious they may be. The rest of us can’t just sit and watch Danny, Joey, and Jesse and their sinful ways. But hey, when the three of them go to hell for all eternity, maybe Jesse can convince the devil to “have mercy”.
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