When either one comes, damn skippy we're with it.
SHAWN: You down with GOP? No? Yeah, that’s right, nobody is. You guys are at your lowest approval rating in history, your spokespeople are douche bags, and you’re threatening my homies in Ohio (big holla!) with things like, oh, DEATH because you’re scared they’re smarter than the peons you think they are. On the other hand, you down with OPP? Hells yeah, you know me. How can I explain it? Well, I’d frame-by-frame it but I’d rather keep it short. O is for the Other and P is for the People and, well, the other P—that’s up to you. Except that it means Property. Unless you a lady, then it mean something quite different (five letters). But who doesn’t love other people’s property? We all desire it, we all like it, we’ve all been at parties where we got a number and then got a little mellow and—bam—she’s got a man. But you persevere. What’s your man got to do with me? That’s true spirt. Bust it.
RYAN: Hey, do you like to party? Meeting people, having some fun, maybe a few drinks, that whole deal. You like that, right? Well then do I have the party for you. It’s not your typical crap where someone strings some Christmas lights up in their condo in the middle of July and calls it a party. No, I’m talking huge house, multiple kegs, and maybe an anti-abortion rally just for hell of it. That’s right. I’m talking about the craziest party you can imagine. I’m talking about the Grand Old Party, or the GOP for all you acronym addicts out there. To put it frankly, when those rich, old bastards get involved, anything goes. ANYTHING. Constitution or no Constitution, they’re going to do whatever they damn well please. No worrying about the big mess they’ll have to clean up later (someone else will get to it) or any of the consequences of their actions. No, they’re only worried about the here and the now. Really, isn’t that what a party should be?
Let's get this party STARTED!
SHAWN: Don’t think your GOP is better than my OPP just because your argument is comprehensible. And I hope you have yourself a “Grand Old Party”, what with all the hard-core country music and 90-year-old white men dancing it up (they just learned that “Charleston” all the kids are doing) and sipping their aged gin and metamucils. Sure, they remember how wild that drink used to be, during prohibition, but we live in a time where that kinda party ain’t the party we need. We need a party that’s not naughty because you can afford strippers to kill; we need one that’s naughty by nature. Pot and abortions everywhere, drugs as far as the eye can see, and, of course, sex with whoever whenever. With the institutional standard of OPP, it doesn’t matter—swing, don’t swing, anything goes. Have fun partying with John McCain, Mike Duncan, Bill O’Reilly, Clifford Hansen, and Catherine Hicks. Yeah, sounds like a good time.
RYAN: Actually, I bet it would be awesome to party with O’Reilly. The man acts like an angry drunk when he’s stone sober and on national television. I can’t imagine what will happen when he actually is drunk and off camera. Angrier? Louder? The exact opposite? Who knows! That’s the fun of the GOP. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. What? That ultra-conservative Senator who adamantly opposes gays actually is gay? Only at the GOP! Just send him to a three-day seminar to fix that problem and let’s keep the party going. Making OPP an institutional standard like you foolishly suggest would destroy everything that’s good and pure in our nation. Don’t you see that the open-minded attitude of OPP is really just a thinly veiled socialist ideal? Sharing? Spreading the love? Please. The GOP knows that what’s yours is yours and you shouldn’t be forced to share. Not unless you can write it off later.
You're damn straight he did it live.
SHAWN: Okay, fine—I’ll give you that O’Reilly could be a crazy mofo, but have you noticed that whenever the GOP is spontaneous, it backfires? Sarah Palin. O’Reilly’s off-camera freak out. Privatizing banks. Voting with Bush 92% of the time. The time John McCain’s chest finally swallowed his head. It never ends well. With your luck, the party will end with a house on fire and a pile of shit to put it out. Granted, you might get $80 billion to rebuild the house, but then you don’t realize the fire has already set every other house in the country on fire and all the shit in the world won’t put it out. Plus, OPP is the least socialist idea around. Spreading herpes isn’t exactly spreading the wealth. OPP is all about you—if it were socialist, the owner of the property would be able to join in. In the writ of OPP, there’s no time for relationships, just time to hit it. In and out, like Iraq. That’s America. And I’m not sure if you noticed, GOP, but with most of you being 412 years old, you may have reaped the benefits of a little program called Social Security. Yeah, that’s what Lenin would do.
RYAN: Okay, you really want to know the truth? Do you? Here it is: The GOP is ALL about OPP. Seriously. They can’t get enough of it. Messing with other people’s property is all they can think about nowadays. It’s how they get off. But while you lowly small timers, with all your herpes and STDs, focus on just the same sinful act of screwing, the GOP has moved onto bigger and better ways of screwing people. I’m talking retirement funds, life savings, homes, jobs. If you’ve got something, then the GOP has spent the past eight years trying to get it. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s safe for them to bust out that “Mission Accomplished” banner again. Hang it with pride, GOP. Hang it with pride.
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