Pinot Noir vs Film Noir

Which noir is the one true noir?

Screw it. We picked this one because their names are alike. That’s all.

SHAWN: In the wine community, there are peasants and kings, a wide range of tastes and locations. But there is only one wine God and His name is Pinot Noir. With a crisp complexity and thrilling taste that is nearly daunting, pinot noir is a rich, smoky orgy attended by a myriad of fickle young flavorful courtesans. The leaf even provides the backbone for the finest champagnes in the world, making pinot noir a popular selection no matter the wine country in which you find yourself naturalized. Bridging subtlety and accessibility, pinot noir doesn’t come right out and tell you what’s happening inside your head—as some movie styles might—but it simultaneously seduces and pacifies even the wildest of taste buds.

RYAN: I got news for you: the only thing you’re going to find at the bottom of the $4 bottle of pinot noir is a raging headache and an urge to vomit; not complexity and thrills. If complex and thrilling is what you really want, then you should go grab yourself a good film noir from your local videotorium. What you’ll find is a style of moviemaking that invigorated a stale film industry when it needed it most. Unlike your hoity toity wine, film noir has substance. Sex. Murder. Flawed, relatable heroes. Engaging plots filled with twists and turns. Sex. It’s got it all. That’s why it’s still prevalent today, decades after it was first defined. How long has pinot noir been around? Five, 10 years tops?

SHAWN: Film noir still prevalent today? Oh, excuse me, I must’ve missed the bevy of recent film noir releases: Eagle Eye, Tropic Thunder, Kung Fu Panda, High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Admit it: film noir died with American intelligence (somewhere around the mid-40s), while pinot noir is as popular as ever. Luxurious whilst affordable. Sexy whilst accessible. Classy whilst vomit-inducing (it’s like I’m back in college!). It’s the dichotomy of the world, all bottled up. You take your black and white German expressionism, but I’ll be busy sipping a beaming red glass of fine wine. And it doesn’t take an introspective detective with an eye for dames to realize there are other delectable forms of pinor noir beyond the $4 bottle you buy with your wretched peasant money.

Gabriella Montez is the femme fatale.

RYAN: You probably missed the bevy of film noir releases cause you were too busy seeing all those crappy movies you just listed. Maybe you’ve heard of L.A. Confidential. Insomnia. Memento. Big Lebowski. Gone Baby Gone. You Don’t Mess With The Zohan. Should I keep going? All of those movies have their roots in the film noir genre and all are critically acclaimed for being crazy awesome. I know none of them will ever been shown on the Disney Channel, but I figured you might have seen one or two of them before. You go ahead and drink your bottle of pinot noir that cost you $7, $8, or whatever crazy amount you spend to feel and act better than everyone else. And after you’re done puking it all back up and you feel all empty inside, you’ll wish you had gone with a classic film noir. They leave you satisfied without making you feel miserable the next day.

SHAWN: I didn’t realize we were using the loosest term of noir, including contemporary neo-noir classics. Very well. But like an unnatural blonde, you can clearly see the roots of those films and wonder what was wrong with brunette. Why must we take a classic genre and update it with mere noir acknowledgments that try for such high stylistic and mind-game standards that we have to date rape the esoteric character studies and simplicity of true film noir? It’s because we’re stupid. Which is why we need wine. Clearly, pinot noir is a finely crafted gem, but lest we forget it gets you WASTED. And, admit it, last time you truly enjoyed film noir, you had to be completely smashed. In a sense, you need pinot noir to enjoy film noir. And you can still enjoy pinot noir with, say, beef. Without pinot noir, film noir might as well be C-SPAN.

Somehow Shawn doesn't bring up Sideways.

RYAN: Pinot Noir gets you smashed; I’ll give you that. It’s not like there are literally a million other things that can do that. Beer. Whisky. Vokda. Other wines. Rubbing alcohol. Scented markers. Just get creative (Disclaimer: don’t get creative). Film noir’s intrigue comes from the fact it’s a genre unlike any other. There aren’t any set rules for what it has to be. Film makers can take any direction they want. If it’s cookie cutter films that you want, maybe you should stick with The Adventures Of Mary Kate And Ashley (spoiler alert: they solve the case). But the rest of us appreciate how film noirs provide a much-needed break from the expected. Sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes things end poorly. That’s the way the world is. Forget it, Shawn. It’s Chinatown.

Next on Danger Queue: Nessie vs. Lassie—Who’s The Real Monster?