A horrible reality vs a far-fetched fantasy.
Brilliant. The one word that best describes everything Shawn and/or Ryan devises. So what happens when they go head-to-head on Halloween costumes? Well, it looks a bit like fisticuffs between Todd Palin and a 2008 Cubs World Series winner.
SHAWN: There are really only a few components that make for a phenomenal Halloween costume: (a) original, (2) topical, (d) funny, and (f) doesn’t win Worst Costume at your own Halloween party. That’s why my Todd Palin is far superior than Ryan’s Cubs World Series winner. My costume did not win Worst Costume at Ryan’s Halloween party, whereas Ryan’s did. At his own Halloween party. Surrounded by friends, some of whom are known Republicans and would therefore surely be stuffing the ballot box. Even they had to admit its crappiness. In fact, I was going to bring this point up at the end, my diamond in the rough, my hidden gem, but rather than going all William Ayers on Ryan, I’ll let him address this right up front. Summary: Todd Palin, didn’t win Worst Costume; Cubs victor, won Worst Costume.
RYAN: Here’s the thing about my friends: they’re idiots and I hate them all. My costume was pure genius and a big hit with everyone who was smart enough to read my shirt and realize I wasn’t just a baseball player. Maybe I underestimated the spite vote. Maybe I underestimated the number of people who didn’t know baseball (to quote a certain someone’s fiancé dressed as Sarah Palin: “Oh, did they win this year?”). But I do think you’re giving yourself a little too much credit for your Todd Palin. I’ll give you topical, but original? Like there weren’t really a million Todd Palins out there on Halloween? Really, you were just riding the coattails of your fiancé who is a dead ringer for Sarah Palin, winking and all, who came up with her costume idea months ago. What happened? Couldn’t think of a good idea on your own? Was the costume shop all sold out of Jonas Brothers wigs?
Shawn's first three costume ideas.
SHAWN: You, sir, clearly have good taste, what with your obvious endearing nature toward your friends. I wouldn’t necessarily assume a level of smarts was needed to understand your costume (“OHHHHH, it’s because they DIDN’T win the World Series!”); I think the disdain was more because of the level of boredom inherent in the costume. I mean, it was all t-shirt. Yeah, the t-shirt was funny and inaccurate, but you obviously finished off the rest of your costume with clothing you had lying around. The t-shirt would’ve been just as funny any other day of the year. Back to the keys of Halloween awesomeness: it has to be a real embodiment. Gone are the days of plastic masks of Lion-O with a smock that says “Thundercats” on it. Todd Palin was an embodiment. I haven’t shaved in 16 years and I went for the goatee. I unintentionally supported the NRA and McCain/Palin campaign by buying their goods. I wore flannel. Sure, it was a costume that worked better with a sexy lady at my side and an upside-down baby doll, but, hey, when it works, it works. And don’t play the “everybody’s doing it” card. There were plenty of Sarahs to go around, but it takes someone special to pull off the Todd.
RYAN: Clothing I had lying around? Last I checked I wasn’t wearing a pair of jeans and Skechers. Maybe if you weren’t so busy staring at my glorious chest (my eyes are up here), you would have noticed the subtleties of my costume—striped blue baseball pants, stirrups, cleats, and ski goggles for the ensuing locker room celebration—the subtleties that made my costume the full embodiment you like to brag so much about. At least when I went out and bought my stuff I wasn’t supporting a bunch of bitter people clinging to their guns or religion, which for the record I don’t know how you can call “unintentional”. I’m pretty sure you didn’t buy that NRA patch by accident. But shaving and flannel—wow, good for you. If that’s all it takes for a good costume, I would have gone as Rosie O’Donnell. Apparently it does take someone special to think of going as Todd Palin. Someone special like Lindsay Lohan’s lover/friend/muse/whatever you want to call her who had the EXACT SAME IDEA!!! So are you still going to say your costume was original and creative, or are you going with the whole “don’t play the “everybody’s doing it” card angle now? Just let me know which one you decide on.
SHAWN: Fine, they weren’t exactly “clothing you had lying around”, as you weren’t wearing your favorite leggings, sports bra, and Milex Wide Seal, but don’t pretend you didn’t have baseball pants and cleats from your days in the minors. And a $2 commitment to McCain/Palin for a hilariously awful button that garnered as many photos and laughs as Trig is totally worth it. Your shirt just opened up a can of sadness for Cubs fans. This season was a TRAGEDY and you dared to mock it. That’s like wearing a “9/11 didn’t happen” t-shirt on September 12, 2001. And, yes, shaving and flannel made my costume as I received compliments galore, none of which were “Hey, that’s the WORST COSTUME at this party”. Maybe you should’ve went with O’Donnell, even if it would’ve brought up those memories of you weeping nonstop for six months when she announced Caroline Rhea would take over her show. And, oh, I’m sorry that my costume made the news. Last I checked, CNN wasn’t running in-depth coverage on how Paris Hilton’s boyfriend Photoshopped the word “Cubs” on a “World Series Champions” logo. And, hell, Todd Palin is totally unique in that it is now irrelevant. Your Cubs shirt will be ironic and boring for years to come.
Ryan only wishes he could pull this look off. But that won't stop him from trying.
RYAN: Sadly, my baseball career ended in the 4th grade when I realized I sucked and couldn’t do anything except sit on the bench, which I did a lot. And poorly at that (I liked to stand). You’re way off base if you think my costume mocked Cubs fans. Seeing me, decked out in my Cubs getup with a World Series Champion shirt, inspired them to believe that it will soon become a reality. Sure, this year didn’t work out as planned, just like the other 99 before that. Luckily, there’s always next year. And the year after that. But, if only for one night, the Cubs were champions of baseball. Maybe if you weren’t so busy trying to breastfeed Trig, you would have heard all the people compliment me on my costume and say they wanted to buy my shirt. How many people wanted to buy your flannel shirt? Unless Richard Karn was there (he didn’t respond to the evite), then I suspect none. And don’t kid yourself, please. Your costume did not make the news. Some uncreative C-list celebrity who came up with the same idea weeks before you made the news. Out of spite, I voted to keep Todd Palin a big part of our lives for the next four years just to prove a point. I don’t know what point that was, but you better believe it was a good one.
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