A magical, all-absorbent towel, or a technological shaving wonder?
SHAWN: Sigh. I’m bored and just made a mess. If only I had something to wipe all this white wine off the floor AND excite the hell out of me…wait! I’ll just break out my ShamWow! It just wipes up everything. Wow! I mean, SHAMWow! Pet stains? Water stains? Water? Liquids? Iced tea? Water? The ShamWow soaks up it all. With its patented cleaning stuff, this TV-offer product may epitomize all TV-offer products. Sure, you might still be able to pick it up at that end cap in Walgreen’s, but you won’t be able to cash in on the deal to buy one, get FOUR free (that’s real)! Plus, it holds up to 20 times its weight in liquid, which totally pwns me, especially if you knew how many times I pissed during my bachelor party alone.
RYAN: Before you even worry about that mess you made on the floor (white wine, right?), maybe you should tend to that mess on your face you call a beard. With the Gillette Fusion Power. Five blades—count them, they’re all there—ensure you get a shave so close you risk deeply cutting your face with each and every stroke. But believe me, it’s worth the risk. Oh, it’s soooooooo worth the risk. And all those hard-to-reach areas on your face? Worry no more, my poorly cheekboned friend cause this razor’s also got a precision trimmer. But don’t listen to me. Listen to star athletes Tiger Woods, Roger Nadal, and some soccer player. Oh, big deal, some soccer player, right? The guy’s got a shaved head. What razor do you think he uses? If it’s good enough for his head, it’s good enough for your face.
No, friend. There's an easier way.
SHAWN: Wasn’t Gillette Fusion Power a ragtag group of trouble-making superheroes in the early ’40s? Or a drink at Jamba Juice? No way does one of those have the zazz and cleaning power of ShamWow! Every sentence with ShamWow in it HAS to end with an exclamation point! You may be able to clean up your face with that razor, but try soaking up a small pond. Fun fact: 500 ShamWows laid back-to-back could single-handedly remove Lake Michigan. Plus, you don’t even know what that soccer guy has on his head—lice, dandruff, a hump, could be anything. And you want to use his razor? Oh, and by the way, if I buy the Gillette Fusion Power now, how many do I get? Wait—just one, you say? But I’m calling NOW! No? Still just one? Good thing I have four ShamWows to dry my tears!
RYAN: Did I mention the Gillette Fusion Power has a microchip in it? Yeah, a freakin’ microchip. For all the cleaning power the Shamwow allegedly has—I’ve never actually seen it in action, for the record—it’s clearly not ready for the digital age we live in. If it doesn’t have a microchip, then I for one won’t use it, wear it, or eat it. Sorry ShamWow, but them’s the rules. Maybe the ShamWow should take a hint from the good people at Gillette who saw a simple, outdated, three-bladed, non-microchip razor and had the balls to say “No more”. No more settling on shaves that don’t feel electric close. No more puny three-bladed cuts that don’t leave badass scars all over the face. Sorry if you can only buy one razor at a time, but go ahead and pay the shipping and handling on four separate ShamWows with your order. Wow. Looks like you just got shammed.
Actually, not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all.
SHAWN: First of all, the shipping and handling is a flat fee, kinda like when you order your leggings because what kind of man needs a razor with a fucking microchip? You’re just shaving about six square inches and if it’s too good you either (a) lose all rugged appeal—which is how I scored my hot wife, (B) look twelve years old, or (3) get mistaken for Sarah Silverman like you do all the time. Congratulations, Gillette, keep working on improving something nobody complains about anymore. But you know what people do complain about? Spilling a whole gallon of milk and using an entire roll of paper towels to clean it up. Story time: so when I was in Hawaii a couple weeks ago (and you were freezing your ass off), I took a little boat ride and we hit — get this — a squall. Several. So we’re trying to drive back and it’s soaked outside and the captain can’t see through the front window to steer and it’s pretty clear we’re all going to die…until the captain turns to his first mate. “ShamWow!” he screams and — I kid you not — that first mate grabs the ShamWow forthwith and leaps into action and wipes off the ENTIRE window with one stroke of the ShamWow. Your microchip may make your razor’s battery die faster, but ShamWow saved my life. Wow!
RYAN: Sorry, I didn’t realize you were a three-year old boy who can’t handle lifting that big, heavy gallon of milk all by himself. Maybe next time you can get your mommy to fill up your Winnie the Pooh sippy cup for you. And nobody complains about razors? Really? This coming from the guy who has a beard specifically so he won’t have to deal with the cuts, nicks, and razor burn that comes from shaving. Okay, that’s an assumption, but still, technology is a wonderful, glorious, splenderific thing. Thanks to microchips and batteries, razors have improved a great deal since that time you first tried out your mom’s Gillette Venus. Despite your wonderful piece of fiction on how the ShamWow saved your life (could have used some robots), I’m still not buying it; I don’t care how many they throw in for free. It boils down to the spokespeople. Gillette got recognizable, accomplished athletes whose opinions I know I can trust (Tiger Woods hasn’t steered me wrong yet). ShamWow got some a failed comedian who wears a headset for no reason and looks like he needs to be punched in the face. Oh, and he used to be a Scientologist. Yeah, apparently the Scientologists thought he was a bit much.
Danger Queue 