There can be only one all-American, average Joe.
SHAWN: There’s only room for one Joe in this general election and he works hard…but he plays harder: ‘six beers in one night’ harder. Joe Six-Pack is the true prototypical American. Long day stamping ball bearings out of…bigger ball bearings? Time to go home, open up not a-one, not a-two, not a-six, but a-SIX brewskies and plop yourself home in your well-worked couch crevice and turn on the football game and belch your goddamn American ass off! That’s America! And don’t get this Joe Six-Pack confused with the Gold’s Gym mascot—Joe won’t even get close to a six-pack that you can’t shatter over the edge of bar and threaten to cut a close friend with. Like a good patriot, he believes in an America where he does whatever President Palin says, no matter what. I mean, she’s freakin’ hott! Uh-oh—off he goes, it’s time for his daily 10 minutes of CNN. Just enough.
RYAN: If a hard-working Joe is what you’re after, then, my friends, look no further than Joe the Plumber. Just two short weeks ago, nobody knew or even cared about Joe the Plumber. Seriously. Nobody. He was just your typical American who plays football outside with his son and sometimes spends his free time plumbing. Now he’s living the American dream, riding his fluke 15 minutes of fame to heights that most people only daydream of reaching. He’s personally talked with Obama and McCain, who both want his vote so badly they recently held a nationally televised debate just for him. Anyone else’s 15 minutes would have run out there. But no. Joe worked hard to stay in the spotlight. He held his own press conference. He made the rounds with Katie Couric, Diane Sawyer, and even Neil Cavuto. Yes. The Neil Cavuto. That doesn’t just happen. It takes hard work and determination. The same hard work and determination it takes to apply for a plumbing license in 2003 and not finish the work.
14:53... 14:54... 14:55...
SHAWN: A hard-working Joe? A plumber that doesn’t even have a plumbing license? Clearly, Joe the plumber is a fraud in every sense of the word. Plus, his plumbing company wouldn’t even come close to making enough money to fall in Obama’s tax plan (he lives in OHIO, for goodness sake)! I call shenanigans! Joe Six-Pack, on the other hand, will never be accused of not having his drinking license. You don’t need one, but, if you did, Joe Six-Pack would probably be in charge of issuing them. He knows his booze far better than Joe the Plumber knows his plumbing. Joe Six-Pack is an American hero, tirelessly plugging away at the world until his liver finally fails. But you know what will never fail? His spirit.
RYAN: Calling Joe the Plumber a fraud is a bit harsh. Phony or fake, maybe. But fraud? Come on now. You’re missing the point. Even if Joe the Plumber isn’t a plumber in the literal sense of the word, which he isn’t, that doesn’t take away from the fact that he represents the typical American—underachieving and unwilling to work hard but still holding onto an unrealistic, yet completely American, dream. A dream that involves buying his business and turning it into a cashcow despite its financial history. What’s wrong with that? At least it’s something. The only thing Joe Six-Pack dreams about is that cool, refreshing taste that’s as cold as the Rockies. Keep reaching for those stars, Joe Six-Pack. Just make sure the cold-activated label turns those Rockies blue first.
Joe Six-Pack doesn't have time to guess if his beer is cold.
SHAWN: Say it ain’t so, Joe. Going on about Joe the Plumber symbolizing America? This country isn’t about dreams and aspirations and asking Presidential candidates about said dreams. This country is about sitting. We’re the best sitters in the world, and Joe Six-Pack ain’t taking the time to go to no Presidential rally to ask a goddamn question about some business he’ll never open. He’s been busy drinking hard and spending the last month trying to figure out how his digital converter works. True patriotism is when you accept your country, your beer, and your fine taste of the mountains. Joe the Plumber has been working his ass off, interviewing with the elite liberal media like FOX News, but have McCain’s points surged in Ohio? No. Because Ohioans are busy voting based on the past eight years and/or race. And that’s my beer heaven.
RYAN: Oh, it’s so, Joe. It’s so. I think when you picked up that sixth beer, you took your fingers off the pulse of America. Otherwise you’d realize we’re no longer the nation of sitters who stay at home and complain to no one in particular about nothing in particular. No. Now we get up off our butts to complain about anything and everything. The economy. The war. Taxes. Government spending. Political corruption. Constitutional rights. Budget deficit. Health care. Gas prices. Beverly Hills Chihuahua. You name it, we’ll complain about it. Joe the Plumber didn’t go to any presidential rallies like my mistaken friend mistakenly wrote all mistaken like. He happened to be outside when Obama walked by his house. He saw his chance to get in the spotlight, his one chance to make a name for himself, to be known outside of the Ohio plumbing community. So he did what any other real American would do. He grabbed that chance, and now he’s refusing to let go no matter how much we all drag him through the dirt.
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