One talks funny. The other's a Wookie.
In the history of the world, there are probably no two people more vital to the course of time than Margaret Thatcher and Chewbacca. Operating in different times, places, and zip-up costumes, what the two really shared was courage, grace, and resilience. That is why they must do battle.
RYAN: There really isn’t much of a comparison between Margaret Thatcher and Chewbacca. One kinda ran some country for a few years. The other was co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon. That’s right. The Millennium Falcon. Ever heard of it? Made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parcecs. Twelve. That’s not just fast; that’s crazy fast. But Thatcher was pretty tough. I’ll give her that. You’d have to be to fly straight into an asteroid field to escape a Star Destroyer. Oh, wait. That was Chewbacca.
The Royal Navy's got nothing on this.
SHAWN: First of all, Han Solo is the impressive one who can maneuver a ship close enough to the Maw Black Hole Cluster to pass through without being annihilated. Chewbacca’s merely a co-pilot, while Margaret Thatcher was the pilot of the entire United Kingdom. Plus, Chewbacca was co-pilot for, what, three movies, whereas Thatcher held the longest reign in political office since Lord Liverpool in the 19th century! When Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands in ’82, who sent a naval task force there so fast, the junta’s heads spun? Newsweek referred to Thatcher’s patriotic response as “The Empire Strikes Back”. Yeah, when was the last time anyone referred to Chewbacca as the “first woman Prime Minister”? Leader vs. sidekick: easy if you ask me.
RYAN: Chewbacca wouldn’t have needed to rely on a lousy naval task force to take care of his dirty work. He would have gone down there with nothing more than his trusty bowcaster and lit those Argentineans up. Remember when he shot that guy on the speeder bike from like 7 miles away? It would have been like that. Over and over. True, he only co-piloted for three movies, but those spanned well over a decade. And those movies were just a small sampling of his tremendous 200-year life: a life so full of accomplishments he was rewarded an MTV Lifetime Achievement Award. We all know they don’t just give those things away.
SHAWN: An MTV Lifetime Achievement Award? First of all, if Margaret Thatcher were still alive, which she is, she would totally get one of those. And, secondly, Chewbacca is now in the company of Godzilla and Clint Howard. Congrats? Hey, at least he finally got an award, since, despite all his “hard sidekick work”, he was the only rebel not awarded a medal of honor at the end of A New Hope. Yeah – clearly the Galactic Alliance also realized everyone would’ve done just fine without him. What awards does Thatcher have? Oh, just a little thing called the Presidential Medal of Freedom and a peninsula named after her in South Georgia! So where would I find the Chewbacca Archipelago, hmm?
A lifetime of mediocrity.
RYAN: Wow. Georgia. The country Europe doesn’t want and Asia doesn’t know about. Congratulations, Thatcher. You can die knowing you left your mark on the world. Or at least on a small part that no one will ever go to. The only reason Chewie didn’t get a medal of honor at the end of A New Hope was the obvious anti-Wookie bias within the Rebel Alliance. How many other Wookies did you see at that ceremony? Exactly. Which makes Chewbacca’s accomplishments that much more impressive. I’d like to see you put C-3P0 back together, fix the Millennium Falcon, and help in the destruction of not one, not two, BUT TWO Death Stars. All while everyone else is trying to hold you down.
SHAWN: Uh-oh, looks like Stewart’s up to his old tricks. South Georgia is not a bastard country, but a British territory in the South Sandwich Islands. Head in the game. Margaret Thatcher would’ve known that. Chewie just would have growled loudly and ate a baby (in all fairness, Thatcher might’ve eaten a baby too). But let’s just take this down to the one topic we’re clearly scared to tackle: hotness. Thatcher’s a babe and you know it. Hairier? No. But far more succulent in an evening dress? Hell yeah. Thatcher’s got zazz and class; Chewbacca just works at light speed. And, as you know, light speed isn’t anything to be proud of.
Next on Danger Queue: Ryan’s New Beard vs Shawn’s New Slacks
Danger Queue 