Both Are Known For Fast-Paced Action.
RYAN: Growing up as an bright-eyed, undersized boy on the mean streets of suburban Chicago, I could always count on two things: myself and my Saturday morning Looney Tunes. Each and every week, you’d find me hunkered down in front of the television in my Candyland onesies, watching the hilarious antics of some of the most memorable cartoon characters the world will ever know. But in life, things change. I’m now a bright-eyed, undersized man. My television is high definition. And my onesies have duckies on them. But God bless them, those Looney Tunes are exactly the same. If only for 30 minutes, they provide an escape from the harsh realities of adulthood, where even the most remedial task of pooping can’t be taken for granted. I hope Surfak blesses you with the regularity you so desperately need. I’ll take the nonstop laughing and smiling courtesy of Bugs Bunny and friends.
SHAWN: Growing up as an anger-filled giant on the rough curbs of downtown Cleveland, I had a similar experience. Each and every week, I would get hunkered down on the toilet, ready for a mean poop. Some weeks, I’d do that every day. But the worst feeling in the world? Being all hunkered down with nothing to show. It’s like in 1993, when you sat down for Looney Tunes to find it cancelled and replaced with My Little Pony. Granted, a year later, you owned every edition of Glitter pony including Pinkie Pie, but the disappointment was there. Now imagine if there were a cure for pain like that? Sure as fact there is, and it’s called Surfak. Softening stool everywhere, Surfak turns the worst feeling in the world into the best. Farewell, blockage; hello, the rest of your life. For you, Looney Tunes may have been the cure for your crippling depression after a long week of being teased at school, you stupidhead; but for the rest of the world, there’s Surfak.
Shawn's toilet was mad at him for a long, long time.
RYAN: I’m not going to argue with Surfak’s results, mostly because I don’t want you going into that kind of detail. It’s the fact that Surfak even exists that gets me all worked up. Pooping is a sacred act that unites us all, from the highest thrones all the way down to the Clevelands of the world. Everybody poops. The satisfaction and relief that comes from a poop should never be compromised with performance enhancers of any sort. I don’t care what excuse you come up with. Just go eat some Taco Bell or Pizza Hut. Problem solved. You’re welcome. Maybe I’m a purist, but I know when Looney Tunes was off the air, I didn’t go huffing glue to get some cheap, drug-fueled laughs. No, I did what any other 9-year-old boy would do. I immersed myself in the dream world of My Little Pony. When Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Elmer, and the rest of the gang came back, I welcomed them with arms wide open. You know why? Because the laughs didn’t come from a box bought at the pharmacy. They came from good, clean, wholesome fun. Except, of course, for all those racist cartoons they made during WWII.
SHAWN: I do agree that everybody poops, as long as you don’t include Angelina Jolie, whose feces osmote through her skin in the form of flowers. But that’s exactly why we don’t want the whole population stuck (literally) with a crippling poop-related problem. Scenario: the whole Cabinet gets stopped up, stuck on the toilet, pounding tacos as you suggest, and TERRORIST ATTACK! Why? Because you didn’t want to solve their pesky predicament and they missed the intelligence that came in. You’re welcome, America; signed, Ryan. It’s not “performance enhancer” when it CREATES the performance. That’s like calling an appendectomy a performance-enhancing surgery. Sure there are other solutions—like death—but we have the technology to solve what ails you without consuming a 1200-calorie burrito or letting your appendix burst. Your solution of dream world immersion to deal with loss is the same problem that desensitizes children to the world, keeps us from making eye contact with strangers, and causing teens to drop bowling balls on passing highway cars because they saw Beavis & Butthead do it.
RYAN: Maybe the Cabinet should have been eating those delicious tacos at the first sign of blockage, like I suggested. Then, maybe they wouldn’t have been caught with their pants down when the terrorists came knocking on the door. Believe me, I want to solve that problem as much as the next guy, but that doesn’t mean we can flush our morals down the drain and do whatever we want to. Just because the technology exists doesn’t mean we should use it (that applies to you and your fake holograms too, Wolf). If you want to bulk up, do you go to the gym or do you go straight to the steroids and HGH? If you want to lose weight, do you diet or do you go straight for the liposuction? I know I for one prefer doing things the natural way. The way God intended it. That’s why I’ll always prefer Looney Tunes. They did things the right way. They didn’t need any fancy computers or technology to get the laughs. All they needed was a bunch of cartoon characters with various speech impediments and a cross-dressing bunny willing to do anything for a carrot. Any. Thing.
Sounds like he's got a lateral lisp.
SHAWN: I wish you had an opportunity to respond to this tight-knit argument, because I’m curious what you consider to be the first sign of blockage. Blockage perhaps? You’re either blocked or you’re not, and there’s a sure way to fix it and it’s not prayer. So feel free to sit there while your Million Dollar Baby remains a vegetable, but some of us believe in medical science and solving problems that we can. Sure, the same science gave us steroids and liposuction, but one of those is illegal and the other makes you look damn fine. Maybe I’m an optimistic shmuck but, for the most part, medical science has given us relief and life and hope and firm, perky breasts. And God gave us the know-how to do it. Besides, maybe if Chuck Jones would’ve been a stauncher proponent of stem cell research, he would’ve been able to cure those speech impediments. Looney Tunes was fun and cute at the time, but we’ve moved on. It’s time for change and, when we live in the age of Simpsons and Wall.e and intravenous catheter shields, Looney Tunes just doesn’t cut it. Especially with the price of anvils nowadays.
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