State and church, why must they be separate?
SHAWN: Four score and seven years ago, and then a lot more years after that, this country became what it is today—stubborn, individualistic, and crowded with sassy women snapping their fingers and yelling, “Get outta my bizz-nass!” And, yes, when we formed this fair nation, that was the first thing we told each other: “Outta my bizz-nass, fair Leopold! This is my house; you stay the hell out!” Hence, the Fourth Amendment made Democracy and the American Dream possible. Your property’s your property (you worked long and hard for that bong) and no British guy with a writ of assistance can take that from you. Granted, a nice search and seizure of your pants by a sexy airport cop can be fun, but the Fourth Amendment keeps that sexy airport cop out of your home, out of your cookie jar, out of your dreams, and into your car of fortune. There’s only one bill I always look forward to…The Bill of Rights!
RYAN: Too bad the founding fathers totally dropped the ball with the Fourth Amendment. If they really wanted to protect regular Charlie Americans like me from all that searching and seizing that’s going on, they wouldn’t have left so many loopholes open. Unreasonable? Probable? Do those words even have definitions? A high school dropout who does nothing but watch reruns of Law and Order (SVU, Criminal Intent, or even the short-lived Trial By Jury) could argue around those little “conditions” before the first commercial break ended. That’s when it’s nice to have the rock solid tenth Commandment. Don’t covet my house. Sure as hell don’t covet my wife, or, for that matter, anything else that belongs to me. No exceptions. No excuses. I don’t care what John Law or Sam Waterston say. What’s mine is mine.
Waterston v God. A trial of biblical proportions.
SHAWN: First of all, name one person you know named Charlie (and you don’t actually know Sheen and I’m not convinced he’s American anyway). Secondly, we have a fine, Ruth Nail-her Ginsberg strong judicial system in this country to help define “unreasonable” and “violate” and, yes, rulings tend to favor the victim. Sure, you might not think going through my girlfriend’s underwear drawer is “unreasonable”, but when I’m standing right there telling you to stop it, it kinda becomes that way—you’re just lucky I can’t afford court costs. But, hey, at least it’s there to stop evil and control wrongdoing; your precious commandment, Mr. Communist, is an attempt to control my THOUGHTS! You have nice silverware, fine, but I don’t see what’s wrong with me simply coveting it. Coveting’s like playing a violent video game—it takes the edge off so you don’t commit felonies in real life.
Ryan: Okay, fine. I don’t “know” anyone named Charlie; that’s just a far-fetched dream of mine. You’re right; the Bill of Rights does stop evil and control wrongdoing. So props to the founding fathers for taking the time to FINALLY put something down for everyone. Lord knows it’s not like someone else ever created some sort of rules, guidelines, or, oh, I don’t know…commandments, if you will, for people to live by. Maybe etched into stone tablets. No, nothing like that ever happened. And thankfully, we have that strong judicial system you mentioned to really keep a tab on things and enforce them. You know. Three branches of government. Checks and balances. That whole deal. It’d be horrible if someone in power, someone presiding in some way, just completely went around all those carefully crafted rules and amendments and did what he wanted. And for the record, if your girlfriend didn’t want me going through her drawers, she should do a better job hiding the key to the lock.
SHAWN: Well, at least we can never say anyone in power ever used the commandments or the Bible to forward some kind of vengeful political agenda, right? Nobody trying to justify war, or a supreme race, or waterboarding, or some set of probing questions – an ‘inquisition’ if you will. Nope. Not that. And, fine, the commandments predate the Bill of Rights, I’ll grant you that, but the slightly dated commandments would also grant eternal damnation for checking out Nicole Kidman (thou art Keith Urban’s neighbor, after all). You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone in the world who doesn’t feel like someone should be punished for breaking and entering, but not too many would wish burning hellfire on some guy who gets a little irritated with his mother for voting Republican in one of the two most important swing states.
If they closed their blinds, we wouldn't have to covet.
RYAN: You’re right. It should all come down to what’s convenient to you and how you want to live your life. If that so happens to coincide with God’s “suggestions” so be it. If not, no big whoop. Not like there’s anything on the line. Just your soul. No biggie. You go and covet that Aussie beauty Nicole Kidman. She’s been asking for it. And be sure to keep following all those other laws and amendments. Who were they written by? Mere men, right? Oh, yeah. They know what they’re doing. It’s not like those guys have ever made mistakes before. But ignore the ones written by that other Guy. Good plan. Good plan.
Next on Danger Queue: Facebook vs. Toni Morrison’s Beloved—The True Classics
Danger Queue 