One's a little dot with a tail. The other's... a little dot with a tail.
The comma. The apostrophe. Twin brothers of the punctuation world. Always in competition with one another. Constantly fighting. The comma brags about the clarity it bring to sentences. Keeping thoughts separate. Lists coherent. But don’t underestimate the apostrophe. Contractions and possessives, you can’t go a day without the apostrophe. Both look the same. Both are often misplaced. So, which punctuation mark is truly best: the comma or the apostrophe?
SHAWN: It was in 1423 that Joe Comma, King of Prussia, was out pressuring his neighboring states to build him a new castle. One of his Lords pointed out that a castle is tough to build when we can’t find product for it’s walls you know but I have bricks we could try and bricks are my favorite building materials and it could create the best thing ever. Joe then replied, “Forsooth, young Lord, try stating that again, but with gentle pauses,” and the young Lord did and, inserting commas between phrases and thoughts, informed the King of the best possible way to build his castle. Granted, thought the King, I suppose the sentence could work without my commas, but it just makes it clearer. “However, young Lord,” continued the King, “You put a comma way up high in the word ‘it’s’ when you surely did not need one. Now you die.” Long story long, from the advent of the comma, it has only added clarity and joy. Apostrophes kill.
These people sure love their commas... or apostrophes??
RYAN: Apostrophes only kill when used incorrectly. I could say the same thing for letter openers and cordless phones and waterboarding; I don’t hear anyone arguing against any of those. And anyone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘its’ and ‘it’s’ deserves to die. Or at the very least go back to the second grade where they teach the basic rules of grammar. Apostrophes are power. Commas toil away at the bottom of words while apostrophes defy gravity and bring a commanding presence to sentences. You can have your clarity and joy. I’ll take the power and possession that comes with a well-placed apostrophe. What’s that? You think that’s yours? Nope. Sorry. It’s Ryan’s now. What are you going to do about it? Nothing. Cause all you’ve got are your lowly commas.
SHAWN: Nelson Mandela once said, “After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.” In your face, apostrophe. Now that you’ve worked so hard to pretend to be all high and mighty, up there floating in the clouds, I hope you’re prepared for the road ahead. Commas, on the other hand, are the salt of the earth, the progressive and brilliant Democrats of the punctuation world. They stay close to the ground so they can stay close to the people (the letters). Commas connect and dissect sentences; apostrophes are stuck flying around WORDS. A misplaced comma means the end for a sentence; a misplaced apostrophe means…oh, wait, nothing, because it just replaces letters. Apostrophes are like the seat fillers at the Oscars. They mean nothing and people just have to deal with looking at them, while they wait for the real stars to come by – the letters. The word ‘don’t’ just means the letter O’s cuter twin, the letter O, was in the bathroom. Oh, and how many apostrophes did Mandela use in his stunning quote?
RYAN: I’m surprised that Nelson Mandela doesn’t appreciate the apostrophe. I would have thought otherwise given the fact the apostrophe is the punctuation mark that represents unity and togetherness. Do and Not? They and Are? Let and Us? They were the Capulets and Montagues of the etymological world. Constantly fighting and always separated by at least one space. Now they’re holding hands and dancing together as the wonderful contractions we use on a daily basis. And the comma? The comma is the anti-apostrophe. Separating thoughts and ideas for no reason at all. Two complete thoughts joined by a conjunction are now separated by a hideous comma. Why can’t we let the two sentences stand together as one? I’ll tell you why. Because every comma deep down wants to be an apostrophe. It wants to break free from its chains and fly free across the tops of the words.
SHAWN: Well, well, well, Mr. Rose-Colored Stupid Glasses, you think the apostrophe brings words together? I bet you also think the US going into Iraq has brought together the Middle East. That freewheeling douchebag apostrophe is the kind of arrogant punctuation mark that just flies in out of nowhere and forces two perfectly happy independent words into one shorter, dumber word. I don’t know about you, but don’t you call taking away someone’s independence and forcing them to be like everyone else COMMUNISM? The comma lets words keep their dignity and strength, and allows the complete sentence to flow in peace and unity. Like Abraham Lincoln. Just because you shove two things together doesn’t make it better, as your “premier dish” of ham ice cream surely demonstrates.
RYAN: No one put a gun to your head and made you eat my ham ice cream. And the apostrophe doesn’t force words to come together against their will. ‘Do’ and ‘Not’ are free to do whatever they want. Stay separate. Come together. The apostrophe could care less. It will find another two words that appreciate what it can do. But you sure did use the apostrophe a lot for someone who supposedly despises it so much. Why is that? Because you can’t not use the apostrophe. It’s a vital tool to language. Try to not use it without sounding like a total douchebag. You can’t. And how many times did I use your brilliant and dignifying comma? Not once. Because the comma is the prostitute of language. No one really needs them; they’re just there for you to fall back on when you’re lazy and have no clue what you’re doing.
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