One
Is it possible to improve on perfection? No. No, it is not. But that didn’t stop our Danger Queue heroes from throwing caution to the wind and changing things up a bit just in case. Whose life is now complete – the formerly pantsless or the formerly hairless?
SHAWN: Paging through the history books, one would find that all great men have boasted beards: Frederick Douglass, Ulysses S. Grant, Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln, Hillary Clinton, John Lennon, Shawn from Danger Queue, Zeus. It was only a matter of time before another great man – Ryan from Danger Queue – jumped on the bandwagon. Full of life in a mere four days, Ryan’s beard gives age, respect, and authority to someone who otherwise gets carded when purchasing Uncrustables. It also provides ample storage for loose food particles and insects, which formerly succumbed to being stored in Ryan’s lock box along with his fingernail clippings.
RYAN: If it were up to me, this debate wouldn’t even be happening. I’ll be the first to admit that I look damn good in my new found beard. I’ve achieved a level of sexiness that most can only dream of. But that pales in comparison to Shawn’s breath-taking new slacks. Few things in life are quite as satisfying as a pair of slacks that fit just right in all the right places. Snug and flattering where it should be. Loose and comfortable where it can be. That doesn’t just happen. It takes careful thought and consideration for every detail; details lesser men would overlook. Shawn could have just have easily gone with pleats, but he knew deep down that the flat front would really accentuate his thunder quads. And while most people would deem the coin pocket as worthless, Shawn instantly appreciated the added value of no longer needing to carry his Hello Kitty coin purse.
Shawn does look good carrying it.
SHAWN: Who needs a coin pocket when you have a freaking beard? With his beard, Ryan found obsolete both his Hannah Montana luxury caboodle AND his Jonas Brothers tampon carrier – just shove ’em in that sexy beard! Sure Shawn’s ass looks amazing in those new slacks, but you can only go so long backing into first impressions before someone gets weirded out. A beard says, “Yes, I will have that raise, thank you!” New slacks say, “If you don’t give me that raise, I’ll use my thunder quads to break you like a nutcracker.” Plus, Ryan’s beard was a deliberated decision. Shawn, on the other hand, would look pretty silly without slacks.
RYAN: It’s true. With this simple, yet stunningly beautiful beard, I no longer have to subject myself to the taunts of all the fanny-pack haters out there. But let’s be sure to give credit where credit is deserved. The slacks don’t make your ass look good; your ass makes the slacks. And that’s where the true beauty of your slacks lies. You didn’t go out and just grab any old pair of pants off the rack. With a combination of luck, moxie, and unbridled hope, you found a pair of slacks seemingly sewn just for you. The tag on the back might say Calvin Klein, but all who see you in your new slacks will know that you truly made them.
SHAWN: I’ll give you that it’s my ass that makes the slacks. But, similarly, an ass like this would make ANY slacks – gray, brown, shorty-shorts, spandex, kilt, whatever. There is only one beard that simultaneously gives you sophistication and E! style and that’s your new beard. And the best feature? That beard, with the right degree of awesomicity and cutting skill, could become ANYTHING. Goatee? Yes please. Soul patch? Sign me up for a grunge band. Fu manchu? Don’t mind if I do! My new slacks could become cutoffs, but let’s just say I’ll be doing a lot of waiting for the legs to grow back.
This guy is a legend in the bearded community.
RYAN: Making those pants into cutoffs would be a travesty. Not just in ruining such a sophisticated pair of slacks, but also cruelly subjecting the world to your pasty white legs. I won’t argue that my beard adds more beauty to the world. That’s an undisputed fact proven by our nation’s top scienticians. But let’s not overlook the importance of your slacks. They take away a little bit of the ugly by covering up your pale, polio-ridden legs. I’ve long supported the notion that Pants Are Optional (shameless plug), but I’m willing to make an exception and say they’re mandatory for you.
Danger Queue 