This and that. Mortal enemies. And best of friends.
RYAN: Have you seen this? This is awesome. This is amazing. People are going to be talking about this for a long, long time. Seriously, no one cares about that. That is all the way over there, in a whole ‘nother room. This is right here. This is right now. This is everything that hopes to be one day. Don’t believe me? Then believe in the wonderful lyrics of Woody Guthrie’s hit song from the 40s. He sang about this land. This land being our land. This land being your land. This land being made for you and me. He sure as hell didn’t sing about “that” land. That would have been communist and gotten him blacklisted faster than you can say “Joe McCarthy”.
How about "I'd like that, please"?
SHAWN: What’s that, you say? Oh, I’ll tell you what that is. That is awesome. That is great. Sure, you may not know exactly what that is, but that’s what makes that so fabulous. That could be anywhere from inches from your nose to far beyond the horizon. Part-mystery, part-semantics, part-lioness, that is what this wishes it could be if it ever freed itself from your horrible grasp. Yeah, I bet the Pilgrims said this land is my land, this land is your land before raping the Native Americans and changing their tune. People kill over this; people think about that and want it so bad. How about you look at the stunningly beautiful lyrics of Chris Brown? Gimme that.
RYAN: The only thing stunning about Chris Brown’s lyrics is just how lazy and greedy he really is. Maybe if he put in some hard work and effort, that would become this and he couldn’t have to write songs asking people to give that to him, whatever the hell that really is. That’s really the problem here. No one knows what that is. That is a generic description that could refer to everything and anything. What’s that? Did you see that? She’s All That? Be specific people. If you like mystery and lioness, fine, but some of us around here don’t like leaving things up to chance. When Budweiser says “This Bud’s for you”, I know exactly what I’m getting—the cold, delicious Budweiser being poured in the commercial. If it was “That Bud’s for you”, well, now I’m wondering what’s wrong with it. Already opened? Filled with pee? Tell me!
There's no question which Bud is for us.
SHAWN: Already opened? Filled with pee? That’s what she said…about your mouth! Ohhhhhhh! And, yes, that is what she said because she would never waste her time ambiguously talking about this. Everybody knows what this is; I mean, it’s right there! But that…oh, everybody wants to know what that is, even you. But, still, if you fear mystery or drinking a beer that you’ve never seen before (see second sentence), there’s always the opportunity to turn that into this. See that bacon over there? Let me just go ahead and grab it and OH GOD THIS ISN’T BACON! But, hey, you got the mystery and the solution all in one. Once you have this, it could only dream of being that again. Meanwhile, that remains a nonthreatening, fun enigma. That’s what I’m talking about.
RYAN: I think you’ve got it backwards (that’s what she said). This doesn’t want to be that. This has been that, and it’s never going back to that. This is up in the big leagues now while that keeps toiling away in the minors. The only time when that is good is when it becomes this. Think about it. That bacon isn’t all that great until it gets on your plate and becomes this bacon. That bacon could be anything, if it’s even bacon at all, which you just pointed out it isn’t. That’s why it’s that. That is lying and deceitful, never to be trusted. But this, this would never do that to you. This would never betray you. This is here for you. No surprises. No tricks. Just real, honest this.
SHAWN: I think you’re confusing the big leagues with a straight jacket. Do you remember the college days (or, in your case, the days of hoping to pass the GED on your fifteenth try)—the opportunity, the hope? Now that life has become this life and, well, you’re stuck. This is it. Don’t you long to go back to that? That sense of possibility? Rather than this life with this stupid job and this bottle of Target hand sanitizer on your desk that you could possibly drink and get out of work all day. Meanwhile, that guy’s a freakin’ billionaire playboy with four cars. Or maybe that guy’s a happy-go-lucky fisherman catching crustaceal gold and his weight in shrimp. Either way, how does that guy do it, and how is that so awesome? Take your pick: THAT fire is out of control or THIS fire is out of control? Yeah, only one of those is going to burn you. That’s the way – uh-huh, uh-huh – I like it.
Next on Danger Queue: The Sears Tower vs. A Deck of Nudie Male Cards—Someone’s Fixated at the Phallic Stage…
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