The Benjamins vs The Hokey Pokey

What is it all about?

From a young age, we were told that the hokey pokey is what it’s all about. Then a young blowhard named Puff Daddy swooped in and told us it’s all about the Benjamins. And the world has been confused ever since. Until now…

RYAN: At one point in time, yes, the hokey pokey was what it’s all about. Back in the day, you couldn’t talk about “it” without bringing up the hokey pokey. But things have changed, and the hokey pokey hasn’t caught up. In our modern times, filled with iPods, computers, and Billy Bush, we don’t have the time to stick our left foot in, stick our left foot out, and then shake it all about, no matter how catchy that tune may be. Our society is way too materialistic to worry about such intangible things. And with the economy giving us the ol’ reacharound, people worry even more about their money. When they see their nest egg slowly disappear, they’re not pulling their right hand out; they’re pulling their life savings out. Like Puff Daddy says, it’s all about the Benjamins.

Where's the 'Hokey Pokey' movie? Huh?

SHAWN: There are back sides out there not being shaken all about, and all YOU care about is money? For shame. For. Shame. However, I’m not going to debate you on the point that we are materialistic and crumbling and fat, but I will argue that we need the hokey pokey now more than ever. In a country falling apart all around us, divided on political, racial, and superhuman (get it together, Hiro) lines, we need…participatory dance! Sure, at home, you may be one man shaking, but the hokey pokey leads us to shake together. That’s why it’s universal law that it must be played at every wedding and, if it weren’t for its subtle atheistic roots, it would be played at every church service as well. What do you do when the world’s bringing you down? You do the hoooooooookey pokey: THAT’S what it’s all about.

RYAN: Are you calling Puff Daddy a liar? Don’t make the same mistake as all those non-voters in 2004 when Diddy had his infamous “Vote or Die” campaign. Some of their bodies still haven’t been found. I really don’t see how it can be all about the hokey pokey when the hokey pokey isn’t even the best participatory dance song. That baton has since been passed on to the likes of the chicken dance song, the Cha Cha Slide, and now the $5 footlong song from Subway. But really, we all know participatory dancing is so overrated. No one does the hokey pokey outside of 1st grade gym class and weddings with a horrible DJ—oh, I’m sorry—”master of ceremonies”. Know what’s not overrated? The Benjamin. $100 each and every time. It’s the single best currency out there. Way better than the Lincoln, Washington, or even that lame ass Sacajawea.

SHAWN: Are you calling Sacajawea a lame ass? She was the ultimate translator, single-handedly fighting the British with her translations and freeing this great country! Her currency might not be worth as much as Benjamin’s, but they’re worth the same in my heart. Because my heart doesn’t take cash. And the Cha Cha Slide doesn’t bring the world together, as old people are frightened by its driving beat. The chicken dance just makes you want to murder anybody who does the chicken dance. Meanwhile, EVERYBODY knows the hokey pokey. And, if not, it has the clearest instructions of any participatory dance in history (studies show only 4% of Americans know what the fuck a Charlie Brown is). Join in, world! The only dance that’s even come close to hokey’s greatness is Yay, Pepto Bismol!, which now resides in a wormhole with Mambo No. 5. Money’s cool, sure, but so is togetherness. Why do you hate love?

They stuck in. They stuck it out. And then they shook. And we're all better because of it.

RYAN: I don’t know what you think Sacajawea did, but I can confidently declare that you are quite wrong. She did very little, which is why she was stuck on a coin like all those other no name losers that I’m too lazy to look up. Real winners like Benjamin Franklin get immortalized with paper money. Everyone knows how much Benjamin accomplished a lot in his life, which is why he’s worth so much nowadays. We only know the hokey pokey because we’ve been tormented by it for far too long. It’s time to move on. Or at the very least, let’s modernize it a little bit. Instead of sticking your hands or feet in, how bout we stick our iPods in and shake them all about? At least then it will shuffle the playlist and we can move onto a song that’s, oh, I don’t know… good.

SHAWN: I’m just gonna go ahead and take one of your sentences completely out of context: “I don’t know good”. Damn straight, you don’t know good. You just know money—dirty, stinking money. You know what Benjamins create? Archvillains, hatemongering, robberies, greed, awkward lust, kidnappings. When was the last time someone kidnapped the President’s daughter to ransom her for a million hokey pokeys? “Put your left leg out, goddamn it, or I’ll blow your brains out!” Yeah, Benjamins are the root of evil. The hokey pokey is a simple good time. Sure you can’t exchange the hokey pokey for goods and services, but who needs it when you’re having so much fun? You may not be so lucky, but last time I put something in and shook it all about, I had a blast.

Next on Danger Queue: GOP vs. OPP—How many brothers out there
know what I’m getting at?