Danny Glover vs Lunchables

Acclaimed movie star or delicious lunch concoction?

RYAN: When one thinks of movie stars, and I mean REAL movie stars, few names warrant actual consideration. Tom Hanks. Lindsay Lohan. Julia Roberts. That guy who just died recently. But one man, and I can’t emphasize ‘man’ enough, makes all others look like hacks. Talentless hacks. I talk, of course, of Danny Glover. What Michael Jordan was to basketball, Danny Glover is to movies. An incredible talent that changed people’s lives on a regular basis. But while Michael Jordan would prefer we all forgot about his Washington Wizard days, you’d be hardpressed to find a misstep in the much-accomplished career of Danny Glover. From Angels in the Outfield to the Lethal Weapon series to Operation Dumbo Drop, each film is an unquestionable masterpiece punctuated by acting so riveting, so engrossing that James Lipton may or may not have just came in his pants.

SHAWN: Danny Glover did nothing for movies compared to what Lunchables did for lunch. Danny Glover might as well be Kathy Najimy when compared to the magic Lunchables bring to the table. Cheese, bologna, crackers, a snack?! Everything I need for a heaping helping of homemade lunch sandwiches right at my fingertips (and under my fingernails if the cheese is spreadable). Talk about changing people’s lives on a regular basis—I think we all remember our first discoveries of Lunchables. We used to have to drag huge burlap sacks and bento boxes bursting with meats and cheese and juice boxes and beer and individually wrapped potato chips because parents think it’s cheaper to buy one $3.00 bag and ration it out than buy the 25-cent bags when in reality it’s not; and then, suddenly, you can bring EVERYTHING in one air-contained box of delicious. And don’t even get me started on the advent of Lunchables pizzas. Danny Glover made Gone Fishin’.

Taco Filling? In a packet? What a world we live in!

RYAN: Let’s not get carried away here. While quite nice, Lunchables are in no way comparable to Danny Glover. The man headlined Predator 2 for Christ’s sake! Predator 2! Not only that, but he killed the fucking Predator! Lunchables, on the other hand, starred in little Billy’s lunch last Tuesday. Even that was a stretch, since he traded the yogurt and a future snack consideration for Timmy’s Fruit By The Foot. Face the facts; Lunchables don’t cut it anymore. Its days of lunchroom dominance are long gone, having been unmercifully brought down by our nation’s ill-advised, illogical obsession with “being healthy” and “preventing child obesity”. While Danny Glover continues to completely own the box office, Lunchables have become an empty plastic shell of what they once were. Kraft knows it too. Why else would they sink so low as to offer versions with hot dogs, nachos, chicken nuggets, or even, yes, disgusting, room temperature pizzas.

SHAWN: Yeah, way to take down Predator, Danny Glover. You killed him so good, a whole race of him took on Alien in not a-one, not a-two, but a-TWO recent hit films. Next time you try to do something, Glover, maybe you should finish the job and not leave it up to Alien. We’re all still waiting for Operation Dumbo Drop 2 to tie up loose ends. And way to own the box office too, Glover. Nice job shooting Blindness straight up to number 12 at the box office for the 120th worst opening weekend of all time. And nice job plummeting it to number 21 a week later. You know what plummets about six hours after you eat it—Lunchables. But then you just want to eat it again. And just because you were raised with school lunches of bacon-wrapped cupcakes doesn’t make Lunchables unhealthy. The turkey and cheddar-able is a tight 340 calories…for a whole meal! The pizzas may be a lesser form, but it sounds like you also grew up in a time before microwaves in school cafeterias. How ever did you warm up your pork fat-wrapped hot dog donuts?

Unless it's for Predators.

RYAN: Exactly what loose ends were there in Operation Dumbo Drop? The part where the village needed an elephant, or the part where Danny Glover delivered the elephant as promised? Wow, those ends look pretty tightly wrapped up, if you ask me. Maybe you just missed those key parts of the movie (the beginning and the end) cause you were in the bathroom waiting for those Lunchables to plummet. Need I remind you, the original, and only, appeal of Lunchables was they were ready to go straight out of that sealed plastic case. Stack turkey, cheese, and crackers so high Dagwood would be jealous and I was ready to go. If I had access to a microwave at school, let alone a cafeteria, why the hell would I waste my time with freakin’ Lunchables when I could have made countless other delicious things, like hot dogs, nachos, chicken nuggets, or even, yes, delicious piping hot pizzas? And also, Danny Glover only killed that one caused it killed his friend. Lesson learned, Predators: don’t fuck with Danny Glover.

SHAWN: Sure, the INITIAL intent of Lunchables was to go straight from plastic-sealed curiosity to your belly (which it did fabulously), but Lunchables knows how to grow with the times. Kids like pizza, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, baked beans, and, of course, cracker crunchers. Plus, Lunchables recently upgraded its health with beverages like refreshing spring water. Mmmmm, that sounds nice. And you may always pick the nachos, but the sandwich Lunchables are just as hot as ever! Why? Because kids (and youthful adults from 19 to 90) love a product that literally makes them able to have lunch, and in a delicious fashion. As for Glover, let’s not fight about who still watches Operation Dumbo Drop daily despite Glover most likely completely eradicating it from his resume, but let’s point out that Glover is not what he used to be. There might’ve been a time when you wouldn’t want to fight with Glover (The Color Purple), but now he plays blind guys, video store owners, and does the voice of turtles. Thank God 2006’s The Shaggy Dog can still round out his repertoire. Meanwhile, delicious Lunchables can round out his stomach.

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Happy Trees vs Happy Meals

The key to happiness: cheap food or amateur painting?

RYAN: Fact: Happy Meals are illogically awesome. For the bargain price of whatever they currently cost, you literally have unlimited options on what you can order. Cheeseburger, hamburger, chicken nuggets, cheeseburger. Anything. Throw in a side of fries (Don’t you dare get the Apple Dipper!) and a drink, and you can see why they’re called “Happy” meals. Oh, and also a toy. A FUCKING TOY!!! What’s that you say? What could possibly be better than that? Oh, I don’t know, how about a sweet cardboard box for said Happy Meal covered with games, puzzles, and pictures of all your favorite McDonald’s characters? Hungry yet? I know I am. And that’s the best part: Ronald is such a freakin’ smart clown he doesn’t bother putting an age limit on who can order off the kids’ menu (take a hint, Steak & Shake!). I ordered Happy Meals ’til I was 18. I only stopped after one cashier asked if I wanted the boy or the girl toy. I took the girl toy, but only out of spite.

SHAWN: Fiction: Trees have no feelings. As living creatures, God’s favorite creations (besides Fraggles) grow and live like you and I. And it took one brilliant man to identify how they feel about this state of being, and that was Bob Ross. Trees are happy, and walking by a happy tree, seeing its beauty and breathing in its fresh oxygen (thanks again, God)—well, there’s just no better feeling—unless, of course, you’re painting it in four seconds flat. Not even the feeling children get having their arteries clogged by a $2 meal that single-handedly injects 700 calories (sans apple dippers, as you suggest) straight into them can compete. And I believe there’s approximately 20 combinations of Happy Meals, not the unlimited options as you suggest. And, sure, some days you can choose to go home with your favorite Bratz toy, but in most cases you don’t even get an option with your toys: whatever big movie dishes out the most cash is what you get, so you may be spending the night with your new Misery Pez dispenser. You can hear the ankles shatter with every bite!

Another satisfied customer.

RYAN: Question: Why should I believe these trees are so happy? They don’t look very happy to me. They look like they’re all just standing there, bored out of their minds listening to that hippie Bob Ross drone on and on about the joy of whatever it was he did for a living. Happy Meals, though, there’s no doubting how happy they are. The smile on the box (and the smile in my stomach) tells me so. So what if McDonald’s likes to incorporate whatever hit film or fad is sweeping the nation into its Happy Meals? It’s called corporate synergy, and I don’t remember you complaining during the Teenie Beanie Baby promotion (I’m still looking for a McNuggets the Bear). Whatever the toy may be, it’s just part of the overall experience of the Happy Meal. Twenty options. Unlimited options. Let’s not get bogged down in numbers that prove me wrong. The point is, there’s a Happy Meal for everyone, no matter their tastes. And no, Shawn, vegetarians don’t count, so don’t even go there.

SHAWN: Answer: Because the trees don’t get winded walking from the kitchen to the dining room. Which isn’t the case with Fatty McDonald and his Happy Meals of disgust. And that Beanie Baby promotion (yeah, there’s a reason McNuggets wasn’t a chicken) doesn’t show corporate synergy, but sell-out-yness. McDonald’s knows its gross-ass food can’t stand on its own, but, hey, maybe if we slap a smile on the box and toss in a decoder ring, mildly retarded children and Ryan will still find them endlessly entertaining. It takes an intelligent, cool-as-a-cucumber hippie like Bob Ross to appreciate the subtle joy of trees. Sure, him and Ronald share the same hair-cut, but it works on a delightful hippie. Ronald just looks like that creepy guy who lives next door to you and keeps offering up candy if you “rub his feet”. And, fun fact, on one episode of The Joy of Painting, someone asked Ross why everything was so happy and he said, “If you want bad stuff, watch the news.” He couldn’t due to copyright law, but he totally meant to add “or eat a Happy Meal”.

RYAN: Theory: You grew up in a traveling circus since apparently you lived next door to a clown. A sexual predator clown, at that (Show me on McNuggets the Bear where he touched you!). And I’m guessing since you grew up as a carnie, your mom couldn’t afford the deliciousness that is a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Maybe you were stuck with the ill-fated Burger King Kids Club; I don’t know. But I do know that you’ve watched Super Size Me way too many times if you truly believe McDonald’s is “gross-ass food” that induces death. Surely we can’t be talking about the same place. McChickens? Double cheeseburgers? Not the McRib. Don’t you dare say that about the McRib! Maybe you should stop letting a bunch of small time never-will-bes like Bob Ross and Morgan Spurlock tell you what to think. And instead of looking for happiness in the bottom of the bottle, head to the nearest set of Golden Arches and give McDonald’s a chance. You’ll find a world of wonder and joy unlike anything you ever experienced growing up in that traveling circus of yours.

Those trees look more content than happy.

SHAWN: Truth: Take your fast food and shove it up your gelatinous ass. Wasn’t your whole argument founded on the idea that you get a lot in a Happy Meal for a “bargain price” (scroll up, it was) and now all of a sudden it’s too ritzy for a carnie? If Happy Meals aren’t for carnies, who are they for? Whether or not Happy Meals are having an identity crisis, I’m pretty sure the Burger King Kids Club meals were more expensive. Just because McDonald’s spends two billion dollars a year to make itself look good, doesn’t mean you need to fall for it and forget that the McRib is neither a rib nor Irish. Have you considered that perhaps the huge multinational conglomerate is the one telling you how to think? You know, rather than placing the blame on a guy whose TV ratings were a two. And not a Nielsen two: just me and whichever wife Mr. Ross was currently married to. Sure, you may think no one can beat McDonald’s, with its money and influence, but Bob Ross and his happy trees spread joy and calmness across the globe. Feel free to waste your life away, hopping off walls in the PlayPlace, even though parents keep giving you that face, stuffing fat and sugars into your body. The rest of us are gonna get baked and personify this here cupcake.

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The Jolly Green Giant vs Brad Garrett

Our hearts are only big enough for one giant half-man.

RYAN: The Jolly Green Giant is one of the most recognizable figures in the world, and even I’m not convinced his appeal is limited to just this planet. With a delightful smile and a cheery “ho ho ho”, this friendly giant has encouraged generations of children to be healthy and eat their vegetables, whether it be peas, carrots, corn, or a flavorful orgy of all of them mixed together. He’s become a cultural icon. In blatant defiance to the first commandment, the town of Blue Earth, Minnesota erected a 55-foot-tall statue of the Jolly Green Giant that can be seen from I-90, causing countless car accidents and deaths as gawking motorists try to get a glimpse of the lovable character. How many car accidents has Brad Garrett caused? Only one. And that’s because he failed to check his blind spot while changing lanes.

Admittedly not the best angle.

SHAWN: You want a 55-foot tall friendly giant with a delightful smile? Then look no further than one Brad Garrett. Blessed with a voice deeper than the Marianas, Brad Garrett is a living example of what happens when children eat their vegetables (stuffed with growth hormones, of course). Who needs a very fake character to tell kids how to grow up when they have a mentor who can physically tell them and then have the words “The More You Know” pop up behind him (I’m not talking about the commercials here—he really has that power)? Plus, Garrett has the added bonus of hilarious self-deprication. When was the last time the Jolly Green Giant sighed and said, “Everybody loves Little Green Sprout”? That’s comedy gold as only Garrett, the Surly White Giant, can provide.

RYAN: The Jolly Green Giant never said “Everybody loves Little Green Sprout” because it’s obviously not true. The Jolly Green Giant is the lovable main character of Green Giant products. He’s got name recognition and people absolutely adore him. The Little Green Sprout is the unknown, annoying loser sidekick, much as Brad Garrett was to Ray Romano in Everybody Loves Raymond. That’s the problem with Brad Garrett, he’s great as a number two but he’ll never make it as a number one. Just look at his show on Fox. Actually, you don’t even need to (not that you even would have). Just look at the fact he has a show on Fox. Fox! I hope at least he’s got the prime time slot right after Hole in the Wall.

SHAWN: Fox may have Hole in the Wall, but it’s also the host of long-running shows like The Simpsons and, well, Brad Garrett’s Til Death, which—oh, look at that—has millions of viewers every week. How many people watch the Jolly Green Giant’s program? Oh, wait, he doesn’t have his own show, just a can of peas. Kudos? Besides, the Emmy-winning Everybody Loves Raymond ran nine seasons and dominated the ratings. Better number two in one of the “most critically acclaimed TV shows in history” than number one in “tunic-wearing giants who love shitty vegetables”. And, speaking of Emmys…well, lookie here, Garrett’s won not a-one, not a-two, not a-three, but a-THREE. And, as we discussed in our Oscar debate regarding The Godfather and TSOTTP, awards like that don’t just go to anyone.

Garrett was supposed to play 'Wilson' on Home Improvement until they realized he was too tall for the fence.

RYAN: I didn’t realize a season and half was enough to dub Brad Garrett’s show “long running”. So what is it called when something has been around since 1928, like the Jolly Green Giant? Longer running? Culturally significant? Memorable? Everything Brad Garrett hopes to be? But congrats to him for winning all those Emmys. He must have faced some tough competition with all those other amazing sitcoms out there—According to Jim, The George Lopez Show, King of Queens, and all those other great ones that I can’t name cause at the end of the day they’re all still shitty sitcoms. Plus, it’s not like they hand those out each and every year, or anything like that. No, people will always remember those Emmy winners. And for the record, despite what you think, putting quotes around something doesn’t make it true or more convincing. It just makes you look like a jackass that still somehow thinks The Godfather is better than The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

SHAWN: I’m not sure what culture you live in where a puppet who frightens children is “significant”, but all I know is those quotes work just fine (source: Wikipedia). And you can’t say he speaks to you personally, since last I checked you were neither jolly, green, nor a giant. Either way, at least Brad Garrett doesn’t march through the hills screaming “Ho ho ho!” like he has no goddamn idea that it’s not Christmas. And ‘Til Death is in it’s THIRD season, attracting millions of viewers a week, compared to the Green Giant statue’s pathetic 10,000 per year. Plus, if you knew anything about the Emmys besides thinking George Lopez is consistently snubbed, you’d know Garrett was actually often placed against good actors like David Hyde Pierce and Jeffrey Tambor. Yeah, he outdeveloped Arrested Development, a year it pretty much dominated every other category. So, please, go around mooching off of Santa—I’ll be busy rooting for the voice of Wizard Whitebeard on Where’s Waldo? Yeah, you can concede now.

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Apples vs Oranges

A much-needed comparison of apples and oranges.

SHAWN: Comparing apples to oranges, first of all, isn’t comparing apples to oranges. Because oranges are phenomenal. Juicy, strong, would kick any other pseudo-round fruit’s ass in a race (I’m looking at you, apple and pawpaw)—it’s the fruit for people who just love scrumptious things. Plus, it’s unique: not only does nothing rhyme with it (not even “corange”, Ryan, as that’s not a word) but it’s the only fruit whose name and color are identical. Rich in vitamin C and cuteness, it provides the yummiest and most popular juice in the world. What would be California’s most up-and-coming county without it? Blank County? Would you watch The BC? No, because you’d think it’s a TV show about God-fearing cavemen who write Easter riddles on slate. Get ’em all year round, even in the winter when everything else is dying! They’re ORANGE delicious!

What's the OC without oranges?

RYAN: Color me impressed. It takes a special something to be able to make it as both a fruit AND a juice. But while oranges can settle for just being “special”, people expect so much more out of apples. That’s why they’re used in everything: juice, cider, sauce, pie, candy, martinis. Hell, even McDonald’s makes apples part of their Happy Meals nowadays. And maybe you’ve heard of Johnny Appleseed? The American pioneer who travelled the country, spreading the joy of the single greatest fruit by planting appleseeds. I don’t remember hearing any stories of Johnny Orangeseed in American folklore. And last I checked, Steve Jobs wasn’t running a company named “Orange”. Oh, and not to spoil your “unique” angle, but according to our good friends at Urban Dictionary, “corange” is quite the word, as in “Oranges are very corange, despite apples’ clear superiority.”

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SHAWN: Were you that kid who cited Wikipedia on his college papers? Urban Dictionary? Really? So we should count “corange” as much a word as “frenemy” and “shoplift the pooty”? And you want me to color you impressed? Sure, apple, which color? Red, green, yellow, black? Pick a color, indecisive fruit! Congrats on making it into McDonald’s Happy Meals, along with “chicken” nuggets that are made from Korean children. At least McDonald’s knows apples are gross and can sit around for ages—notice how they won’t taint the delicious, fresh oranges of the world? Not that they could, since the far healthier orange would just dry out when cut into slices and locked in a cellar with Grimace. And no Johnny Orangeseed needed; oranges, like all citrus fruits, are interbreedable! Have fun! So while you and your apples sip appletinis and get your mammograms, the oranges are inviting those busty grapefruits over for screwdrivers and a hot, sexy orangey.

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RYAN: You know that saying “an orange a day keeps the doctor away”? Yeah, me neither. I wonder why that it is. Oh, I know. Cause everyone and their mom knows if you really want to keep the doctor away, you eat an apple every day. If you like dropping your money on doctor visits filled with rubber gloves and obscenely large popsicle sticks, go ahead and eat that orange. If that’s not your thing, you might want to consider the apple. They’re jam packed with nutrients and vitamins that other fruits can only dream about. That’s why when Ronald McDonald and gang needed a healthy alternative to french fries, they went with the apple. They probably didn’t even think about the orange, that’s how much the apple dominates the world of fruits. Maybe that incestuous orange of yours should go sleep around some more and create another type of fruit that no one but you will want to eat. Hopefully it will still be orange, since apparently you hate things with too many colors. That’s fine. But then how do you explain your torrid love affair with rainbows?

Don't see any oranges on that tree. I wonder why.

SHAWN: You brought this upon yourself by bringing up popsicle sticks, but let’s consider a little something called delicious popsicles. When was the last time a big-eyed kid approached, asking for a satisfying apple-flavored popsicle…or apple-flavored anything for that matter? And don’t play that “green apple” crap—that’s God’s flavor accident, right alongside buttered popcorn and coconut. Oranges clearly know a thing or two about versatility and making their way into children’s mouths. And why keep the doctor away? Remember what happened last time we kept doctors away? Yeah, that was AIDS, Ryan. And we couldn’t do anything about it until we let the doctors in. Plus, even if historians like Sarah Palin could prove that it was any other fruit besides the apple that led to the fall of mankind, advent of sin, and creation of all things horrible when Eve ate it, there’s no denying apples are the root (in this case, branch) of all evil. It’s even in the name: the Latin word for evil and apples IS THE SAME (mala). Last I checked, rainbows only symbolized God’s forgiveness. Roast an apple for me in Hell.

RYAN: I’m shocked that you’ve sunk so low to resort to the popsicle defense. Really? Popsicles? What’s next—Skittles and Jolly Ranchers? Oh, no, apples and evil have the same Latin root. What a coincidence! Yeah, coincidence. Nothing more. But even if eating apples is wrong, well then maybe I don’t want to be right. Sure, the creation of sin is kind of bad and all, but at this point, we can’t unring that bell. Eve already took a bite of the forbidden fruit, and really, who can blame her? God was probably all “Hey, don’t eat those delicious, juicy apples behind you. Instead have one of those orange things over there. But don’t eat the outside. That’s no good.” Gee, I wonder what happened? Maybe God should have made man to be little less succeptible to temptations. Like hobbits. So at this point, why even bother eating other kinds of fruit, especially oranges? We might as well eat all the apples that we can. What’s God going to do about it? Put us on double secret probation? I don’t think he’s got it in him.

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