ShamWow! vs Gillette Fusion Power

A magical, all-absorbent towel, or a technological shaving wonder?

SHAWN: Sigh. I’m bored and just made a mess. If only I had something to wipe all this white wine off the floor AND excite the hell out of me…wait! I’ll just break out my ShamWow! It just wipes up everything. Wow! I mean, SHAMWow! Pet stains? Water stains? Water? Liquids? Iced tea? Water? The ShamWow soaks up it all. With its patented cleaning stuff, this TV-offer product may epitomize all TV-offer products. Sure, you might still be able to pick it up at that end cap in Walgreen’s, but you won’t be able to cash in on the deal to buy one, get FOUR free (that’s real)! Plus, it holds up to 20 times its weight in liquid, which totally pwns me, especially if you knew how many times I pissed during my bachelor party alone.

RYAN: Before you even worry about that mess you made on the floor (white wine, right?), maybe you should tend to that mess on your face you call a beard. With the Gillette Fusion Power. Five blades—count them, they’re all there—ensure you get a shave so close you risk deeply cutting your face with each and every stroke. But believe me, it’s worth the risk. Oh, it’s soooooooo worth the risk. And all those hard-to-reach areas on your face? Worry no more, my poorly cheekboned friend cause this razor’s also got a precision trimmer. But don’t listen to me. Listen to star athletes Tiger Woods, Roger Nadal, and some soccer player. Oh, big deal, some soccer player, right? The guy’s got a shaved head. What razor do you think he uses? If it’s good enough for his head, it’s good enough for your face.

No, friend. There's an easier way.

SHAWN: Wasn’t Gillette Fusion Power a ragtag group of trouble-making superheroes in the early ’40s? Or a drink at Jamba Juice? No way does one of those have the zazz and cleaning power of ShamWow! Every sentence with ShamWow in it HAS to end with an exclamation point! You may be able to clean up your face with that razor, but try soaking up a small pond. Fun fact: 500 ShamWows laid back-to-back could single-handedly remove Lake Michigan. Plus, you don’t even know what that soccer guy has on his head—lice, dandruff, a hump, could be anything. And you want to use his razor? Oh, and by the way, if I buy the Gillette Fusion Power now, how many do I get? Wait—just one, you say? But I’m calling NOW! No? Still just one? Good thing I have four ShamWows to dry my tears!

RYAN: Did I mention the Gillette Fusion Power has a microchip in it? Yeah, a freakin’ microchip. For all the cleaning power the Shamwow allegedly has—I’ve never actually seen it in action, for the record—it’s clearly not ready for the digital age we live in. If it doesn’t have a microchip, then I for one won’t use it, wear it, or eat it. Sorry ShamWow, but them’s the rules. Maybe the ShamWow should take a hint from the good people at Gillette who saw a simple, outdated, three-bladed, non-microchip razor and had the balls to say “No more”. No more settling on shaves that don’t feel electric close. No more puny three-bladed cuts that don’t leave badass scars all over the face. Sorry if you can only buy one razor at a time, but go ahead and pay the shipping and handling on four separate ShamWows with your order. Wow. Looks like you just got shammed.

Actually, not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all.

SHAWN: First of all, the shipping and handling is a flat fee, kinda like when you order your leggings because what kind of man needs a razor with a fucking microchip? You’re just shaving about six square inches and if it’s too good you either (a) lose all rugged appeal—which is how I scored my hot wife, (B) look twelve years old, or (3) get mistaken for Sarah Silverman like you do all the time. Congratulations, Gillette, keep working on improving something nobody complains about anymore. But you know what people do complain about? Spilling a whole gallon of milk and using an entire roll of paper towels to clean it up. Story time: so when I was in Hawaii a couple weeks ago (and you were freezing your ass off), I took a little boat ride and we hit — get this — a squall. Several. So we’re trying to drive back and it’s soaked outside and the captain can’t see through the front window to steer and it’s pretty clear we’re all going to die…until the captain turns to his first mate. “ShamWow!” he screams and — I kid you not — that first mate grabs the ShamWow forthwith and leaps into action and wipes off the ENTIRE window with one stroke of the ShamWow. Your microchip may make your razor’s battery die faster, but ShamWow saved my life. Wow!

RYAN: Sorry, I didn’t realize you were a three-year old boy who can’t handle lifting that big, heavy gallon of milk all by himself. Maybe next time you can get your mommy to fill up your Winnie the Pooh sippy cup for you. And nobody complains about razors? Really? This coming from the guy who has a beard specifically so he won’t have to deal with the cuts, nicks, and razor burn that comes from shaving. Okay, that’s an assumption, but still, technology is a wonderful, glorious, splenderific thing. Thanks to microchips and batteries, razors have improved a great deal since that time you first tried out your mom’s Gillette Venus. Despite your wonderful piece of fiction on how the ShamWow saved your life (could have used some robots), I’m still not buying it; I don’t care how many they throw in for free. It boils down to the spokespeople. Gillette got recognizable, accomplished athletes whose opinions I know I can trust (Tiger Woods hasn’t steered me wrong yet). ShamWow got some a failed comedian who wears a headset for no reason and looks like he needs to be punched in the face. Oh, and he used to be a Scientologist. Yeah, apparently the Scientologists thought he was a bit much.

Wright Brothers vs Tia and Tamera Mowry

Two invented flight. The other two look alike.

RYAN: Kitty Hawk. 1903. In an act of unprecedented defiance for their time or ours, Orville and Wilbur Wright instantly became household names by extending a giant middle finger to gravity and flying with the birds. Until that day, gravity had been a cruel dictator that ruled that entire world with an iron fist, forcing people back down to the ground no matter how high they jumped or how many balloons they held. While lesser men cowered and obeyed gravity’s every demand, the Wright Brothers dared to dream. To dream of differential drag and the coefficient of air pressure. And with their historical 59-second flight that surely felt like at least two or three minutes, they broke free from the shackles of physics and weight distribution and said “Hey gravity, how ’bout you sit this next one out?”

SHAWN: If you think The Wright Brothers were ahead of their time, just take a look at a progressive (and hilarious) WB comedy from the mid-90s. Tia, Tamera, Roger and the whole Sister, Sister gang taught us about extending a middle finger to the gravity of sadness by laughing our asses off. Twins have always been funny (see Olsens or Apollo/Artemis), but the Mowrys made twins cute, sassy, and fashionable. Not since Blossom have overalls and fishermen caps been so mischievous and fun. Hell, even their crappier jokes provided laughs that lasted longer than 59 seconds, Wright Brothers. And those brothers were one-hit wonders, whereas the Mowrys’ career extended to hit films like Twitches. The Mowrys are the real heroes. The Wright Brothers are America’s Roger.

They'll always have their Doublemint gum.

RYAN: How exactly was Tia and Tamera’s “comedy” ahead of its time? I like mistaken identity jokes and twins pretending to be one another as much as the next guy, but I liked them more the first time around with “The Parent Trap”. The 1961 version with Hayley Mills, not the career-launching Lohan-ized version. I guess the suits at ABC realized the same thing when they cancelled Sister, Sister almost immediately. Good thing the WB is around to pick up other networks’ scraps. But don’t sell their careers short. There was also Twitches, Too, and, here comes the big one, The Hot Chick starring one Rob Schneider. At least the Wright Brothers had enough class to know when to stop and never sunk down to Rob Schneider territory. For shame, Tia and Tamera. For shame.

SHAWN: How was Sister, Sister ahead of its time, you ask? Fine, if I have to spell it out for you: it’s a black show that only white people talk about fondly. There you go—a thrilling precursor to That’s So Raven, My Brother and Me, The Boondocks, and The OC. Sister, Sister may have been ABC’s scraps, but The WB baked those scraps into a five-season mincemeat pie juggernaut. I mean, why would the same network that cancelled Pushing Daisies and My So-Called Life cancel something people like? Granted, The Hot Chick was a mistake, but that didn’t stop these perseverant sisters from launching singing careers that breached Billboard Top 100. That’s a true champion. Not flash-in-the-pan “inventors” who lucked into creating something that was pretty much already invented. Yeah, they weren’t the first to build and fly an experimental aircraft; they just added controls. I can Wiki your side, too.

Real men only need 59 seconds to get it done.

RYAN: Just added controls? Just added controls?!? That’s like saying Michelangelo just painted the Sistine Chapel or Einstein just discovered the theory of relativity. Downplaying something so monumental is just plain insulting. Sure, not everyone can better the world by paving the way for shows like That’s So Raven. But the Wright Brothers laid the groundwork for all the things we take for granted today: Blue Angels, airports, Top Gun, the Mile High Club, the Travelocity Gnome, and oh so much more. How about this: When you fly to Hawaii in your lavish coach seat, you take a second to thank the Wright Brothers for making your trip possible. And next time I’m ordering a Happy Meal at McDonald’s, I’ll be sure to thank Tia and Tamara for remembering to make my cheeseburger ketchup only.

SHAWN: I suppose controls are important to an airplane but, think about it, how long do you think the airplane would’ve lasted without them? Hours? Years? Well, some are clearly running for United, so I guess it’s still a problem. But here’s the thing: SOMEONE would’ve invented those controls. There’s nothing special about the Wright Brothers besides being born years after the bubonic plague when brothers would’ve been considered disease-ridden evil and left to die in a farm cart. Tia and Tamera, on the other hand, were irreplaceable, as we’ve seen from every twin-related sitcom that’s come since, including Apartment 2F and the recently googled Twins—a poor attempt by the WB to recreate something beautiful and sacred (mostly beautiful). And I’m not sure what McDonald’s you go to, fatty, but the only thing the Mowrys will be doing there is discussing Tia’s 2008 NAACP Image Award nomination over coffee before she gets back to work on the CW’s hit series The Game. Meanwhile, Mr. Wright, my bicycle tire is flat. You better get on that.

Full House vs Straight

Does a Full House beat a Straight if there's Three of a Kind?

SHAWN: Some people, when they look around, see a hopeless world of poverty and war. Others see a hand to hold on to. Everywhere they look. And that’s why the zany, lovable, utopian dilemmas of the Tanner family make Full House quite possibly the greatest invention since the four-slot toaster. What silly miswording will Michelle come up with today? How insecure will Stephanie feel? What will Danny clean? What STD will Uncle Jesse come down with? GIBBLER!!! We loved and knew these characters for eight seasons of joy. Some may call the Tanners’ resolve impossible, but I think they gave us hope and laughter like none other. Remember when Danny proposed to Vicky at DisneyWorld or when the girls illegally won on the Vegas slots? They may not be a “typical” family, but they’re part of all of ours. I like a world where any problem can be solved with a Bullwinkle impression. Carry me home, light; carry me home

RYAN: I think enough time has passed that we can throw back the curtain on Full House and expose it for what it really is: a gay rights vehicle to push the homosexual agenda down our throats along with who knows what else. Come on, a house full of three grown men? One who is an obsessive compulsive neat freak, another who’s alter-ego puppet loves “wood”, and the other with that fabulous head of hair. And, to top it off, they live in freakin’ San Fransisco. I don’t care how many children happened to live there or whose wife “died”, Danny, Joey, and Jesse were the Will & Grace of the late 80s/early 90s only without all the Emmy nominations. I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now. I prefer my leading men unambiguously straight. Thankfully, the good, God-fearing people of California got their act together and passed Proposition 8. Now, Danny, Joey, and Jesse and the rest of those scofflaws will have to take their sinful ways inland.

Damn that's one fine mane.

SHAWN: Clearly when all of us were watching Full House during the ’90s, you were watching The Full Monty. Rebecca Donaldson much? Ever heard of her? The token hottie? The one the guys all wanted to bone? How dare you use Full House to relay your discrimination and hate! There were three happy heterosexual men (two were step-brothers, for God’s sake) caring for three future lesbians in the city by the bay and there’s nothing wrong with that. Lest we forget San Fran also gave us Bruce Lee and Clint Eastwood. And I’m on the phone with Clint right now, telling him how you called him gay and, don’t worry, he has your address. You straight people are all the same: projecting your homophobia onto a perfectly family friendly show. But you know what? What if it WAS pro-gay rights? Maybe we all enjoyed eight years of the smartest, most progressive show ever to air on network television without even realizing it. Of course, that wasn’t the case; you’ve seen how Joey dresses.

RYAN: Danny, Joey, and Jesse may have been happy, but that’s most certainly because they were having so much fun being gay together. I can’t say I blame them. Their gay group dynamic is unparalleled. Between the three of them—Rebecca’s favorite spot—you’ve got all your bases covered. Looks (Jesse), laughs (Joey), length (Danny). But don’t you dare call that show family friendly. Family friendly shows don’t corrupt the morals of our youth by teaching them it’s okay to wear pants as tight as Uncle Jesse’s. Family friendly shows repsect the institution of marriage. If I want to watch a bunch of grown men hugging and touching each other, I’ll watch football. At least then I won’t have to explain anything to my non-existent kids. Oh, and I’m going to go ahead and take your “you straight people” comment out of context and lump you together with the rest of those San Franscisco treats. That includes you, Eastwood. What’s he going to do about it? Make Paint Your Wagon 2?

SHAWN: I’m not shocked that you obviously never made it to the end of Paint Your Wagon, what with you only needing about three minutes with it before you finished. But it ends with a bull and bear fight and a town collapsing (thanks, Wiki)—not nearly as homoerotic as your ass-smacking Monday Night Football. And which one of us was the first to mention Jesse’s tight pants and an “unparalleled gay group dymanic”? Uh… last I checked, you can’t call a potato an unparalleled vegetable unless you were pretty damn familiar with vegetables. And don’t dismiss your latent homosexuality because you’re married, as two of the men in what you consider a pornographic triumvirate were also married by the end of the show. Some of us watched Full House without staring at Jesse’s hair and ass, and understood the actual plot and laughed at the Tanner family’s antics. So have fun keeping your non-existent kids (someone seems to be having trouble procreating) away from every TV show imaginable because daddy can’t stop harboring feelings for John Stamos.

Football. A sport for the manliest of men.

RYAN: Sorry, I got a little confused with your last paragraph. There’s a lot of insults and innuendos that inaccurately paint me as a masturbating, sterile gay man—at least more than usual—but you never dispute that Full House is a show about three gay men. Looks like the last ditch attempt of someone who knows he’s about to lose. Attacking character instead addressing the issue at hand. Are you going to make an appearance on SNL too? It’s a nice try, but it won’t work. Americans are (finally) too smart for that. But if you’re one of the people who can watch Full House and enjoy the humor and plot, I applaud you for your ability to ignore the facts no matter how obvious they may be. The rest of us can’t just sit and watch Danny, Joey, and Jesse and their sinful ways. But hey, when the three of them go to hell for all eternity, maybe Jesse can convince the devil to “have mercy”.

Next On Danger Queue: Fight vs Flight—There’s A Reason They Invented Cock Fighting

Looney Tunes vs Surfak

Both Are Known For Fast-Paced Action.

RYAN: Growing up as an bright-eyed, undersized boy on the mean streets of suburban Chicago, I could always count on two things: myself and my Saturday morning Looney Tunes. Each and every week, you’d find me hunkered down in front of the television in my Candyland onesies, watching the hilarious antics of some of the most memorable cartoon characters the world will ever know. But in life, things change. I’m now a bright-eyed, undersized man. My television is high definition. And my onesies have duckies on them. But God bless them, those Looney Tunes are exactly the same. If only for 30 minutes, they provide an escape from the harsh realities of adulthood, where even the most remedial task of pooping can’t be taken for granted. I hope Surfak blesses you with the regularity you so desperately need. I’ll take the nonstop laughing and smiling courtesy of Bugs Bunny and friends.

SHAWN: Growing up as an anger-filled giant on the rough curbs of downtown Cleveland, I had a similar experience. Each and every week, I would get hunkered down on the toilet, ready for a mean poop. Some weeks, I’d do that every day. But the worst feeling in the world? Being all hunkered down with nothing to show. It’s like in 1993, when you sat down for Looney Tunes to find it cancelled and replaced with My Little Pony. Granted, a year later, you owned every edition of Glitter pony including Pinkie Pie, but the disappointment was there. Now imagine if there were a cure for pain like that? Sure as fact there is, and it’s called Surfak. Softening stool everywhere, Surfak turns the worst feeling in the world into the best. Farewell, blockage; hello, the rest of your life. For you, Looney Tunes may have been the cure for your crippling depression after a long week of being teased at school, you stupidhead; but for the rest of the world, there’s Surfak.

Shawn's toilet was mad at him for a long, long time.

RYAN: I’m not going to argue with Surfak’s results, mostly because I don’t want you going into that kind of detail. It’s the fact that Surfak even exists that gets me all worked up. Pooping is a sacred act that unites us all, from the highest thrones all the way down to the Clevelands of the world. Everybody poops. The satisfaction and relief that comes from a poop should never be compromised with performance enhancers of any sort. I don’t care what excuse you come up with. Just go eat some Taco Bell or Pizza Hut. Problem solved. You’re welcome. Maybe I’m a purist, but I know when Looney Tunes was off the air, I didn’t go huffing glue to get some cheap, drug-fueled laughs. No, I did what any other 9-year-old boy would do. I immersed myself in the dream world of My Little Pony. When Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Elmer, and the rest of the gang came back, I welcomed them with arms wide open. You know why? Because the laughs didn’t come from a box bought at the pharmacy. They came from good, clean, wholesome fun. Except, of course, for all those racist cartoons they made during WWII.

SHAWN: I do agree that everybody poops, as long as you don’t include Angelina Jolie, whose feces osmote through her skin in the form of flowers. But that’s exactly why we don’t want the whole population stuck (literally) with a crippling poop-related problem. Scenario: the whole Cabinet gets stopped up, stuck on the toilet, pounding tacos as you suggest, and TERRORIST ATTACK! Why? Because you didn’t want to solve their pesky predicament and they missed the intelligence that came in. You’re welcome, America; signed, Ryan. It’s not “performance enhancer” when it CREATES the performance. That’s like calling an appendectomy a performance-enhancing surgery. Sure there are other solutions—like death—but we have the technology to solve what ails you without consuming a 1200-calorie burrito or letting your appendix burst. Your solution of dream world immersion to deal with loss is the same problem that desensitizes children to the world, keeps us from making eye contact with strangers, and causing teens to drop bowling balls on passing highway cars because they saw Beavis & Butthead do it.

RYAN: Maybe the Cabinet should have been eating those delicious tacos at the first sign of blockage, like I suggested. Then, maybe they wouldn’t have been caught with their pants down when the terrorists came knocking on the door. Believe me, I want to solve that problem as much as the next guy, but that doesn’t mean we can flush our morals down the drain and do whatever we want to. Just because the technology exists doesn’t mean we should use it (that applies to you and your fake holograms too, Wolf). If you want to bulk up, do you go to the gym or do you go straight to the steroids and HGH? If you want to lose weight, do you diet or do you go straight for the liposuction? I know I for one prefer doing things the natural way. The way God intended it. That’s why I’ll always prefer Looney Tunes. They did things the right way. They didn’t need any fancy computers or technology to get the laughs. All they needed was a bunch of cartoon characters with various speech impediments and a cross-dressing bunny willing to do anything for a carrot. Any. Thing.

Sounds like he's got a lateral lisp.

SHAWN: I wish you had an opportunity to respond to this tight-knit argument, because I’m curious what you consider to be the first sign of blockage. Blockage perhaps? You’re either blocked or you’re not, and there’s a sure way to fix it and it’s not prayer. So feel free to sit there while your Million Dollar Baby remains a vegetable, but some of us believe in medical science and solving problems that we can. Sure, the same science gave us steroids and liposuction, but one of those is illegal and the other makes you look damn fine. Maybe I’m an optimistic shmuck but, for the most part, medical science has given us relief and life and hope and firm, perky breasts. And God gave us the know-how to do it. Besides, maybe if Chuck Jones would’ve been a stauncher proponent of stem cell research, he would’ve been able to cure those speech impediments. Looney Tunes was fun and cute at the time, but we’ve moved on. It’s time for change and, when we live in the age of Simpsons and Wall.e and intravenous catheter shields, Looney Tunes just doesn’t cut it. Especially with the price of anvils nowadays.

Next On Danger Queue: Full House vs Straight—When A Hug Just Won’t Cut It

The Jolly Green Giant vs Brad Garrett

Our hearts are only big enough for one giant half-man.

RYAN: The Jolly Green Giant is one of the most recognizable figures in the world, and even I’m not convinced his appeal is limited to just this planet. With a delightful smile and a cheery “ho ho ho”, this friendly giant has encouraged generations of children to be healthy and eat their vegetables, whether it be peas, carrots, corn, or a flavorful orgy of all of them mixed together. He’s become a cultural icon. In blatant defiance to the first commandment, the town of Blue Earth, Minnesota erected a 55-foot-tall statue of the Jolly Green Giant that can be seen from I-90, causing countless car accidents and deaths as gawking motorists try to get a glimpse of the lovable character. How many car accidents has Brad Garrett caused? Only one. And that’s because he failed to check his blind spot while changing lanes.

Admittedly not the best angle.

SHAWN: You want a 55-foot tall friendly giant with a delightful smile? Then look no further than one Brad Garrett. Blessed with a voice deeper than the Marianas, Brad Garrett is a living example of what happens when children eat their vegetables (stuffed with growth hormones, of course). Who needs a very fake character to tell kids how to grow up when they have a mentor who can physically tell them and then have the words “The More You Know” pop up behind him (I’m not talking about the commercials here—he really has that power)? Plus, Garrett has the added bonus of hilarious self-deprication. When was the last time the Jolly Green Giant sighed and said, “Everybody loves Little Green Sprout”? That’s comedy gold as only Garrett, the Surly White Giant, can provide.

RYAN: The Jolly Green Giant never said “Everybody loves Little Green Sprout” because it’s obviously not true. The Jolly Green Giant is the lovable main character of Green Giant products. He’s got name recognition and people absolutely adore him. The Little Green Sprout is the unknown, annoying loser sidekick, much as Brad Garrett was to Ray Romano in Everybody Loves Raymond. That’s the problem with Brad Garrett, he’s great as a number two but he’ll never make it as a number one. Just look at his show on Fox. Actually, you don’t even need to (not that you even would have). Just look at the fact he has a show on Fox. Fox! I hope at least he’s got the prime time slot right after Hole in the Wall.

SHAWN: Fox may have Hole in the Wall, but it’s also the host of long-running shows like The Simpsons and, well, Brad Garrett’s Til Death, which—oh, look at that—has millions of viewers every week. How many people watch the Jolly Green Giant’s program? Oh, wait, he doesn’t have his own show, just a can of peas. Kudos? Besides, the Emmy-winning Everybody Loves Raymond ran nine seasons and dominated the ratings. Better number two in one of the “most critically acclaimed TV shows in history” than number one in “tunic-wearing giants who love shitty vegetables”. And, speaking of Emmys…well, lookie here, Garrett’s won not a-one, not a-two, not a-three, but a-THREE. And, as we discussed in our Oscar debate regarding The Godfather and TSOTTP, awards like that don’t just go to anyone.

Garrett was supposed to play 'Wilson' on Home Improvement until they realized he was too tall for the fence.

RYAN: I didn’t realize a season and half was enough to dub Brad Garrett’s show “long running”. So what is it called when something has been around since 1928, like the Jolly Green Giant? Longer running? Culturally significant? Memorable? Everything Brad Garrett hopes to be? But congrats to him for winning all those Emmys. He must have faced some tough competition with all those other amazing sitcoms out there—According to Jim, The George Lopez Show, King of Queens, and all those other great ones that I can’t name cause at the end of the day they’re all still shitty sitcoms. Plus, it’s not like they hand those out each and every year, or anything like that. No, people will always remember those Emmy winners. And for the record, despite what you think, putting quotes around something doesn’t make it true or more convincing. It just makes you look like a jackass that still somehow thinks The Godfather is better than The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

SHAWN: I’m not sure what culture you live in where a puppet who frightens children is “significant”, but all I know is those quotes work just fine (source: Wikipedia). And you can’t say he speaks to you personally, since last I checked you were neither jolly, green, nor a giant. Either way, at least Brad Garrett doesn’t march through the hills screaming “Ho ho ho!” like he has no goddamn idea that it’s not Christmas. And ‘Til Death is in it’s THIRD season, attracting millions of viewers a week, compared to the Green Giant statue’s pathetic 10,000 per year. Plus, if you knew anything about the Emmys besides thinking George Lopez is consistently snubbed, you’d know Garrett was actually often placed against good actors like David Hyde Pierce and Jeffrey Tambor. Yeah, he outdeveloped Arrested Development, a year it pretty much dominated every other category. So, please, go around mooching off of Santa—I’ll be busy rooting for the voice of Wizard Whitebeard on Where’s Waldo? Yeah, you can concede now.

Next on Danger Queue: Shawn’s Halloween Costume vs Ryan’s Halloween Costume—Whose Sexy Sarah Palin Is Best?

Nessie vs Lassie

Mythological beast or fictional dog?

Big shout-out to loyal Danger Queue reader Christine D. for suggesting this dogfight for the ages. If you, dear reader, would like to submit a pairing for an upcoming Danger Queue, please follow the link to the right to submit your own danger!

RYAN: The Loch Ness Monster, or “Nessie” to friends and family like myself, is a timeless part of our culture. Arguably around since as early as the sixth century, Nessie continues to win over people’s hearts with its unusual story of adversity and bravery, despite its understandable reluctance of the spotlight. To this day, Nessie remains relevant, the focus of countless films, studies, and investigations, not to mention its own booming tourism industry. The only relevant thing Lassie has done in recent years is serve as the inspiration for All Dogs Go To Heaven. And if the rumors of Lassie’s sinful ways are true, then that title is a blatant lie.

SHAWN: Oh no! Timmy’s fallen down a well! Whoever will save him? No worries; Lassie will! Wait, wait. OH GOD! TOO LATE! Not only did Timmy fall down the well, but he traveled along the well water to the sea where he was immediately devoured by a crazy monster named Nessie. Reluctant to the spotlight? Around since the sixth century? Are we talking about Nessie or Danielle Steel? Lassie embraces the spotlight, and with good reason—he’s a dog, yet a NATIONAL HERO! And let’s not forget that he rehabilitated troubled children, led the original team of Rescue Rangers to save the world, has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and ended the Cold War. Nessie is a complete myth, whereas Lassie is entirely real, despite being portrayed by 17 different dogs.

RYAN: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Timmy shouldn’t be saved? How many times does he need to fall down a well before he learns to stay away large holes in the ground? Lassie needs to stop being a showboating whore and let Darwinism run its course with Timmy. And really, let’s not fool ourselves here. Lassie doesn’t have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The 17 dogs who played the fictional character Lassie have that star. That’s right. Fictional. Lassie isn’t real while no one has proven that Nessie doesn’t exist. But congrats to those dogs. It’s not like they hand out those stars to everybody in show business. No, you’ve got to have talent to be immortalized with the likes of Ryan Seacreast, Snow White, Ricky Martin, and Erik Estrada.

SHAWN: Granted, not everyone on the Hollywood Walk of Fame has earned his or her spot—some just bedded the right people at the right time. But not Lassie. He earned that star. First of all, Timmy didn’t keep falling down wells. That happened once, and it was more of a mine shaft. Don’t pull a John McCain and start focusing on the mildly retarded bowl-cut imbecile Timmy when Lassie’s the real issue. Just look what Lassie, a freaking DOG, has been able to save Timmy from: dynamite, an escaped circus elephant, a rabid mutt, appendicitis, quicksand, an earthquake, a bull, toxic radiation, nightshade berries, fire, an armed robber, the Grand Canyon, and a bear. A bear, Ryan. And that’s just to name a few. Sure, Darwin wouldn’t call Timmy the “fittest”, but what about the doggone dog who rescues him EVERY SINGLE TIME? Meanwhile, Nessie, a big fat monster too lazy to come out of the water, just seems to sleep.

RYAN: Okay, Lassie did not save Timmy from any of those. The dogs playing Lassie acted out those scripted scenarios for a lame ass television show. Even that’s debatable, as everyone knows that show went through stunt dogs faster than they did Timmys. Regardless, the only real talent Lassie showcased was the uncanny—or should I say “uncanine”—ability to speak, run, and jump on command. What’s that you say? What talents does Nessie have? Oh, I don’t know, just super stealth ability and the brains to outsmart all who try to find it. Yeah. I guess that’s pretty impressive. Pretty REAL impressive. And really, can we stop with the fear mongering and wild accusations? First you call Nessie a crazed monster with the taste for human flesh. Now you call it big, fat, lazy, and possibly suffering from mononucleosis. Those are all blatant lies and you know it. Have some class. You don’t see me mentioning Lassie’s secret Communist ties during the Cold War. And I won’t. Because that wouldn’t be fair to Lassie, no matter how true that may be.

Despite the mono, Nessie still gets plenty of action.

SHAWN: Are you still working the “Lassie isn’t real” defense? Really? Nessie. NESSIE! The only supposed “photo” of this creature was proven to be a hoax, there has been no legitimate physical evidence of him, most scientists find him a waste of time, his name is Nessie, and at most he has been referred to as a “vague disturbance”. So let’s work past the fiction vs. reality aspect and look at the true spirit of each character. Lassie taught the world to believe and has entertained generations. Nessie taught the world to try to Photoshop itself into fame and fortune to no avail. And Nessie’s not stealthy, but shy, like a little chump. Kids today stand up to bullies, help their friends, and love thy neighbors thanks to Lassie. If Nessie were the cultural icon, kids would sit in the phone booth across the street, crying throughout lunch. Like you did.

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