Milton Bradley vs Milton Bradley

Hate the player or hate the game?

RYAN: The oft-traveled, anger-filled baseball player unfortunately known as Milton Bradley is perhaps the second greatest thing to come out of Harbor City, California. Right after Reggie the alligator, who last I checked inspired not a-one, not a-two, but a-TWO books. Still, with Milton’s free agent signing with the Chicago Cubs, he is automatically transformed to lovable, great, and most importantly, the final piece of the puzzle (combined with the trading of the Jason Marquis puzzle piece). This is the Chicago Cubs we’re talking about here. Sure, history suggests this signing will be a disaster on the same scale as the t-shirt-killing sweat machine known as Todd Hundley. There’s the fact he’s never played a full season, let alone anything even remotely close to that. Or that he’s got more anger issues than that kid in middle school who tried to stab someone with his gym shorts. Or how a National League team just signed someone who played DH all of last season. No, cause when it comes to the Cubs, we all know that history doesn’t matter. It’s not like they haven’t won the World Series in 100 years or anything like that. Ahhhhhhhh, fuck.

SHAWN: Go ahead, Cubs, spin the wheel and see what happens with Milton Bradley. I’ll go ahead and spin my own wheel in the game of life…oh, look, now I’m a plumber who makes $100,000/yr. and, yes, I have a boat now. Looks like me, my sexy stick-thin wife and our two quadriplegic children will be living the good life having mai-tais fed to us at Millionaire Acres. Your Milton Bradley will inevitably blow his shot when he breaks a bat over his knee and tries to cut Junction Jack after a pop fly. You want advice from a Milton Bradley who knows his way around a game? Try game pioneer and inventor of the paper cutter, Milton Bradley. MB’s company dominates the American game market, in the same way as winning teams might dominate baseball. With Candyland, Operation, Battleship, Life and 13 Dead End Drive, you can steal your way out of a Molasses Swamp WHILE REMOVING A BREAD BASKET FROM A HUMAN BODY. How’d that bread basket get in there? Good thing you’re here, doctor. If only your Milton Bradley can remove the bread basket hurting the Cubs’ insides for a century. When I need unnecessary surgery, I’ll turn to someone else. Guess who? MB.

Really? Operation Hulk? Really??

RYAN: Let’s not get carried away here. Yes, back in the glory days of board games, MB was once considered the bee’s knees. But now, after some time has passed and we have the benefit of hindsight, it’s painfully obvious that MB has become a lifeless entitiy that’s gone 15 years without an original idea. Leaving Charlie Americans like you and me stuck with bastardized re-re-releases of classic games with shameless marketing tie-ins. A Star Wars Game of Life? Not one, but two versions for the Pirates of the Caribbean? Bratz Twister? Lord of the Rings Stratego? In all honesty, I’m surprised there’s not a Nutty Professor II: The Klumps version of Operation. Or Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Both would work. At least Milton Bradley the baseball player brings some variety to the game of baseball, which is exactly what the Cubs needed. They were too passive, lying down at the first sign of trouble. But now they’ve got a wildcard. Someone that could do anything at any time. Empty a bags of baseballs on the field in protest. Throw water bottles at fans. Tear up his knee arguing with an umpire. Lead the league in OBS. Call a teammate a racist. Anything!

SHAWN: If you find marketing tie-ins shameless, clearly you’ve never played the phenomenal Sailor Moon edition of Life. And have also never been to Wrigley Field. I haven’t seen so much shameless advertising space since you tattooed that Nike swoosh on your ass. But I digress. MB is still at the top of its games, despite you turning your back on the company that made your childhood what it is (you didn’t even know what hunger meant until you saw four hippos fighting for a pancake you threw in the middle of the board—admit it). Clearly you’ve missed out on innovations like Jenga Truth-or-Dare and Heroscape. Sure, those are pretty much just variations, but why mess with a good thing? I guess that’s something the Cubs aren’t ever going to understand. Why not throw some wild cards in there? I mean, it can’t get any worse, right? MB knows how to milk the advantages and stay on top. They even had trouble in the past like the Mr. T game and What Did Grandma Petersen Do to the Cat? (yeah, those are both real), but they’ve stayed strong, avoiding bankruptcy in this economy. What have the Cubs done besides get their field sold?

We were just talking, Coach. Honest.

RYAN: Your “why mess with a good thing” is the exact argument against everything that MB has done in the past 15 years. If all their games are as great as you say they are, why mess with them and make variations based off them in the first place? At least Parker Brothers does it right with all its Monopoly spinoffs. What Star Wars nerd hasn’t wanted to own a glorious triumvirate of Endor, Bespin, and Hoth? But really, everyone knows the only reason MB has avoided bankruptcy is because in the 1980s it sold out. Literally. It sold itself. So yeah, it’s pretty easy to stay out of financial trouble when all you have to do is suckle off the massive financial tit of Hasbro. Some people don’t have it so easy. Some people, like, oh, I don’t know, star outfielder for the Chicago Cubs, Milton Bradley, have to go out there and earn their keep. While all the suits at MB are sitting in their plush corner offices brainstorming how to make a High School Musical version of Candyland, Milton Bradley is busting his butt almost every day for almost 8 months out of the year, hitting a little white ball with a big wooden stick, and on occassion, catching and throwing it. You tell me who deserves a 30 million dollar contract.

SHAWN: Yeah, Milton Bradley sure has earned his keeps in the world of baseball. I mean, not everyone can get signed by the Padres without passing a physical exam. Not everyone can do about fourteen minutes of work every few days (swing that bat) for three months and get paid millions. Not everyone can try to assault a newscaster after a game and watch the world turn the other cheek. No, sir. Some people just fly by on their innovation, brilliance, and work. Some people just half-heartedly open, say, the first color lithography shop in Massachutses before working their ass off to invent a game that, despite your criticisms of its constant variations, has a Spongebob Squarepants version of it nearly 150 years after its advent. Last I checked there wasn’t a Spongebob version of the Civil War. What I’m trying to say here is MB’s games and the company that followed are more important with greater impact than the Civil War and, therefore, far better than some baseball player nobody’s going to remember in a century and a half. By then, the Cubs will be fully grown Bears and, like Bears, growl their way to…more defeat. MB will never be a designated game distributor; he’s the real thing.

Next on Danger Queue: 2008 A.D. vs. 8 A.D.—A Year In Review

Harlem Globetrotters vs Bruce Vilanch

Both were born and raised on the streets.

SHAWN: What could possibly be sweeter than Georgia Brown? Well, take a look at this line: “What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh”. Ho ho! And that brilliant line right there was 100% pure Vilanch. Bruce Vilanch is pretty much the most clever and sassy writer in history, and the man whose hand was up Billy Crystal’s ass every time the Oscars were good. EVERY time. Starting off lowly, being both a Jew and a writer for the Star Wars Christmas Special, his fluffy hair, miscolored beard, and masculine nature helped him soar to prominence at awards ceremonies and, yes, Hollywood Squares. Stay off my dribble, Globetrotters; I’ll take Vilanch for the steal.

RYAN: I don’t care how many Christmas specials, Oscars, or low-rated game shows Bruce Vilanch has had his fat, stubby hands in. Has he ever played basketball against a group of robots in a special edition of Gilligan’s Island? Has he ever had his own Saturday morning cartoon show? Thought not. Those are the things that impress me, and that’s why the Harlem Globetrotters will always have a special place in my heart. With silky smooth dribbling and the occassional use of ladders, the Globetrotters defied the odds and racked up more than 20,000 wins on their way to worldwide fame. Bruce Vilanch’s claim to fame is being enormously fat and, on occassion, saying something funny. Whoopity do.

Teaching kids valuable lessons about low post moves.

SHAWN: I think it’s time someone finally called out the Harlem Globetrotters for what they really are—dirty cheaters. Comedy? Showboating? Above-the-top exhibitionist displays? That’s not what basketball’s about! And if there’s one rule about true basketball it’s DON’T be animated. Do you think there’s any other good reason Michael Jordan is live action in Space Jam? Plus, the Globetrotters aren’t even committed to the sport. Last time they were on their way to a basketball game, they found a green van that broke down and, rather than playing the Wizards, they helped some talking dog and his hippie friends solve a mystery! Sure, they made it to the game with a minute left and still won, but that kind of crap shouldn’t fly. And don’t even get me started on how roided out they all are. But you know who’s definitely not roided out? Bruce Vilanch. He may not fight robots, but if you have something against fat, occasionally funny guys, you might as well take down that Horatio Sanz poster and disconnect CBS because they’re the bread and butter and bacon and pork and burgers of this world.

RYAN: Everyone knows the golden age of fat people died with the stapling of Al Roker’s stomach. Bruce Vilanch is just too stubborn to acknowledge it. Call out the Globetrotters for their commitment to the game all you want, but don’t think for a second they’ll apologize for caring about something just a little more important. Something called making the world a better place. So what if they showed up to a game just a little late, those hippies and their talking dog needed their help. Mysteries don’t solve themselves, Shawn. It’s called being a good Samaritan. No matter how famous the Globetrotters are, they never forget where they came from—incidentally not Harlem—and the people who helped get them there. Bruce Vilanch doesn’t do anything to help anyone unless he thinks there’s the potential reward of a sandwich. Maybe he should think about doing steroids, or anything to get into something that could remotely be considered “in shape”. Seriously. That guy needs to stop eating. And, please, grow the beard back. Or wear a scarf, a turtleneck, anything to cover up that second and third chin.

The original script had far less profanity.

SHAWN: First of all, how dare you play the fat card, Joe McGriddles, you don’t know if that’s glandular. And, secondly, you’ve clearly never heard of a little TV show called Celebrity Fit Club on VH1, in which Mr. Vilanch roared his way to a weight loss of 21 lbs in Season 3! If you lost that, you’d be back to birthweight, so consider him a champ. So not only HAS Vilanch done things to get back into shape, but what have the Harlem Globetrotters done recently to become, I don’t know, FAMOUS again? It’s been a long time since they helped Scooby-Doo and I haven’t seen any Pokemon screaming for their help from the side of the road. So they can help people for a few years and then vanish? Sure, you may not have physically seen Vilanch’s good works lately, but that’s because he’s not a dirty glory hog. He works behind the scenes to make the world a better place. Who came to the rescue of scripts like Die Hard 2 and Raiders of the Lost Ark? VILANCH! Who opened up doors for gays in comedy? VILANCH! He may prefer Nixon, but who makes America laugh? I think we all know the answer.

RYAN: Are you seriously questioning what the Harlem Globetrotters have done lately while defending Bruce Vilanch? Bruce Vilanch? He whose claim to fame is having helped write Raiders of the Lost Ark and Die Hard 2, both of which are so old that not only have the trilogies already been wrapped up, but there’s been enough time for a bastardized fourth film to be added to their respective series. I do pride myself on not knowing about Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. It kind of goes along with my rule to not watch shitty television shows, which is also the reason why I’m going to have to trust you on on the Globetrotters not being on Pokemon. You’re the Pokemon expert round here, not me. But if this is really a contest of who appeared on the crappier thing, then Harlem Globetrotters, Little Nicky. All’s forgiven, though, once you see the proverbial dream team of honorary members of the Globetrotters. While Vilanch is nothing more than an E-list celebrity—even Kathy Griffin doesn’t return his calls—famous figures from all around the world are literally killing each other for the chance to don the red, white, and blue jerseys of the Globetrotters: Henry Kissinger. Nelson Mandela. Whoopi Goldberg. Bill Cosby. And Pope John Paul II. Yeah. The Pope. Even God’s BFF loved the sweet whistling of Georgia Brown.

Next On Danger Queue: This vs. That—We’re Nothing If Not Proper

Shawn’s Costume vs Ryan’s Costume

A horrible reality vs a far-fetched fantasy.

Brilliant. The one word that best describes everything Shawn and/or Ryan devises. So what happens when they go head-to-head on Halloween costumes? Well, it looks a bit like fisticuffs between Todd Palin and a 2008 Cubs World Series winner.

SHAWN: There are really only a few components that make for a phenomenal Halloween costume: (a) original, (2) topical, (d) funny, and (f) doesn’t win Worst Costume at your own Halloween party. That’s why my Todd Palin is far superior than Ryan’s Cubs World Series winner. My costume did not win Worst Costume at Ryan’s Halloween party, whereas Ryan’s did. At his own Halloween party. Surrounded by friends, some of whom are known Republicans and would therefore surely be stuffing the ballot box. Even they had to admit its crappiness. In fact, I was going to bring this point up at the end, my diamond in the rough, my hidden gem, but rather than going all William Ayers on Ryan, I’ll let him address this right up front. Summary: Todd Palin, didn’t win Worst Costume; Cubs victor, won Worst Costume.

RYAN: Here’s the thing about my friends: they’re idiots and I hate them all. My costume was pure genius and a big hit with everyone who was smart enough to read my shirt and realize I wasn’t just a baseball player. Maybe I underestimated the spite vote. Maybe I underestimated the number of people who didn’t know baseball (to quote a certain someone’s fiancé dressed as Sarah Palin: “Oh, did they win this year?”). But I do think you’re giving yourself a little too much credit for your Todd Palin. I’ll give you topical, but original? Like there weren’t really a million Todd Palins out there on Halloween? Really, you were just riding the coattails of your fiancé who is a dead ringer for Sarah Palin, winking and all, who came up with her costume idea months ago. What happened? Couldn’t think of a good idea on your own? Was the costume shop all sold out of Jonas Brothers wigs?

Shawn's first three costume ideas.

SHAWN: You, sir, clearly have good taste, what with your obvious endearing nature toward your friends. I wouldn’t necessarily assume a level of smarts was needed to understand your costume (“OHHHHH, it’s because they DIDN’T win the World Series!”); I think the disdain was more because of the level of boredom inherent in the costume. I mean, it was all t-shirt. Yeah, the t-shirt was funny and inaccurate, but you obviously finished off the rest of your costume with clothing you had lying around. The t-shirt would’ve been just as funny any other day of the year. Back to the keys of Halloween awesomeness: it has to be a real embodiment. Gone are the days of plastic masks of Lion-O with a smock that says “Thundercats” on it. Todd Palin was an embodiment. I haven’t shaved in 16 years and I went for the goatee. I unintentionally supported the NRA and McCain/Palin campaign by buying their goods. I wore flannel. Sure, it was a costume that worked better with a sexy lady at my side and an upside-down baby doll, but, hey, when it works, it works. And don’t play the “everybody’s doing it” card. There were plenty of Sarahs to go around, but it takes someone special to pull off the Todd.

RYAN: Clothing I had lying around? Last I checked I wasn’t wearing a pair of jeans and Skechers. Maybe if you weren’t so busy staring at my glorious chest (my eyes are up here), you would have noticed the subtleties of my costume—striped blue baseball pants, stirrups, cleats, and ski goggles for the ensuing locker room celebration—the subtleties that made my costume the full embodiment you like to brag so much about. At least when I went out and bought my stuff I wasn’t supporting a bunch of bitter people clinging to their guns or religion, which for the record I don’t know how you can call “unintentional”. I’m pretty sure you didn’t buy that NRA patch by accident. But shaving and flannel—wow, good for you. If that’s all it takes for a good costume, I would have gone as Rosie O’Donnell. Apparently it does take someone special to think of going as Todd Palin. Someone special like Lindsay Lohan’s lover/friend/muse/whatever you want to call her who had the EXACT SAME IDEA!!! So are you still going to say your costume was original and creative, or are you going with the whole “don’t play the “everybody’s doing it” card angle now? Just let me know which one you decide on.

SHAWN: Fine, they weren’t exactly “clothing you had lying around”, as you weren’t wearing your favorite leggings, sports bra, and Milex Wide Seal, but don’t pretend you didn’t have baseball pants and cleats from your days in the minors. And a $2 commitment to McCain/Palin for a hilariously awful button that garnered as many photos and laughs as Trig is totally worth it. Your shirt just opened up a can of sadness for Cubs fans. This season was a TRAGEDY and you dared to mock it. That’s like wearing a “9/11 didn’t happen” t-shirt on September 12, 2001. And, yes, shaving and flannel made my costume as I received compliments galore, none of which were “Hey, that’s the WORST COSTUME at this party”. Maybe you should’ve went with O’Donnell, even if it would’ve brought up those memories of you weeping nonstop for six months when she announced Caroline Rhea would take over her show. And, oh, I’m sorry that my costume made the news. Last I checked, CNN wasn’t running in-depth coverage on how Paris Hilton’s boyfriend Photoshopped the word “Cubs” on a “World Series Champions” logo. And, hell, Todd Palin is totally unique in that it is now irrelevant. Your Cubs shirt will be ironic and boring for years to come.

Ryan only wishes he could pull this look off. But that won't stop him from trying.

RYAN: Sadly, my baseball career ended in the 4th grade when I realized I sucked and couldn’t do anything except sit on the bench, which I did a lot. And poorly at that (I liked to stand). You’re way off base if you think my costume mocked Cubs fans. Seeing me, decked out in my Cubs getup with a World Series Champion shirt, inspired them to believe that it will soon become a reality. Sure, this year didn’t work out as planned, just like the other 99 before that. Luckily, there’s always next year. And the year after that. But, if only for one night, the Cubs were champions of baseball. Maybe if you weren’t so busy trying to breastfeed Trig, you would have heard all the people compliment me on my costume and say they wanted to buy my shirt. How many people wanted to buy your flannel shirt? Unless Richard Karn was there (he didn’t respond to the evite), then I suspect none. And don’t kid yourself, please. Your costume did not make the news. Some uncreative C-list celebrity who came up with the same idea weeks before you made the news. Out of spite, I voted to keep Todd Palin a big part of our lives for the next four years just to prove a point. I don’t know what point that was, but you better believe it was a good one.

Next on Danger Queue: Looney Tunes vs Surfak—The Better Choice for Fast-Paced Action