Happy Trees vs Happy Meals

The key to happiness: cheap food or amateur painting?

RYAN: Fact: Happy Meals are illogically awesome. For the bargain price of whatever they currently cost, you literally have unlimited options on what you can order. Cheeseburger, hamburger, chicken nuggets, cheeseburger. Anything. Throw in a side of fries (Don’t you dare get the Apple Dipper!) and a drink, and you can see why they’re called “Happy” meals. Oh, and also a toy. A FUCKING TOY!!! What’s that you say? What could possibly be better than that? Oh, I don’t know, how about a sweet cardboard box for said Happy Meal covered with games, puzzles, and pictures of all your favorite McDonald’s characters? Hungry yet? I know I am. And that’s the best part: Ronald is such a freakin’ smart clown he doesn’t bother putting an age limit on who can order off the kids’ menu (take a hint, Steak & Shake!). I ordered Happy Meals ’til I was 18. I only stopped after one cashier asked if I wanted the boy or the girl toy. I took the girl toy, but only out of spite.

SHAWN: Fiction: Trees have no feelings. As living creatures, God’s favorite creations (besides Fraggles) grow and live like you and I. And it took one brilliant man to identify how they feel about this state of being, and that was Bob Ross. Trees are happy, and walking by a happy tree, seeing its beauty and breathing in its fresh oxygen (thanks again, God)—well, there’s just no better feeling—unless, of course, you’re painting it in four seconds flat. Not even the feeling children get having their arteries clogged by a $2 meal that single-handedly injects 700 calories (sans apple dippers, as you suggest) straight into them can compete. And I believe there’s approximately 20 combinations of Happy Meals, not the unlimited options as you suggest. And, sure, some days you can choose to go home with your favorite Bratz toy, but in most cases you don’t even get an option with your toys: whatever big movie dishes out the most cash is what you get, so you may be spending the night with your new Misery Pez dispenser. You can hear the ankles shatter with every bite!

Another satisfied customer.

RYAN: Question: Why should I believe these trees are so happy? They don’t look very happy to me. They look like they’re all just standing there, bored out of their minds listening to that hippie Bob Ross drone on and on about the joy of whatever it was he did for a living. Happy Meals, though, there’s no doubting how happy they are. The smile on the box (and the smile in my stomach) tells me so. So what if McDonald’s likes to incorporate whatever hit film or fad is sweeping the nation into its Happy Meals? It’s called corporate synergy, and I don’t remember you complaining during the Teenie Beanie Baby promotion (I’m still looking for a McNuggets the Bear). Whatever the toy may be, it’s just part of the overall experience of the Happy Meal. Twenty options. Unlimited options. Let’s not get bogged down in numbers that prove me wrong. The point is, there’s a Happy Meal for everyone, no matter their tastes. And no, Shawn, vegetarians don’t count, so don’t even go there.

SHAWN: Answer: Because the trees don’t get winded walking from the kitchen to the dining room. Which isn’t the case with Fatty McDonald and his Happy Meals of disgust. And that Beanie Baby promotion (yeah, there’s a reason McNuggets wasn’t a chicken) doesn’t show corporate synergy, but sell-out-yness. McDonald’s knows its gross-ass food can’t stand on its own, but, hey, maybe if we slap a smile on the box and toss in a decoder ring, mildly retarded children and Ryan will still find them endlessly entertaining. It takes an intelligent, cool-as-a-cucumber hippie like Bob Ross to appreciate the subtle joy of trees. Sure, him and Ronald share the same hair-cut, but it works on a delightful hippie. Ronald just looks like that creepy guy who lives next door to you and keeps offering up candy if you “rub his feet”. And, fun fact, on one episode of The Joy of Painting, someone asked Ross why everything was so happy and he said, “If you want bad stuff, watch the news.” He couldn’t due to copyright law, but he totally meant to add “or eat a Happy Meal”.

RYAN: Theory: You grew up in a traveling circus since apparently you lived next door to a clown. A sexual predator clown, at that (Show me on McNuggets the Bear where he touched you!). And I’m guessing since you grew up as a carnie, your mom couldn’t afford the deliciousness that is a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Maybe you were stuck with the ill-fated Burger King Kids Club; I don’t know. But I do know that you’ve watched Super Size Me way too many times if you truly believe McDonald’s is “gross-ass food” that induces death. Surely we can’t be talking about the same place. McChickens? Double cheeseburgers? Not the McRib. Don’t you dare say that about the McRib! Maybe you should stop letting a bunch of small time never-will-bes like Bob Ross and Morgan Spurlock tell you what to think. And instead of looking for happiness in the bottom of the bottle, head to the nearest set of Golden Arches and give McDonald’s a chance. You’ll find a world of wonder and joy unlike anything you ever experienced growing up in that traveling circus of yours.

Those trees look more content than happy.

SHAWN: Truth: Take your fast food and shove it up your gelatinous ass. Wasn’t your whole argument founded on the idea that you get a lot in a Happy Meal for a “bargain price” (scroll up, it was) and now all of a sudden it’s too ritzy for a carnie? If Happy Meals aren’t for carnies, who are they for? Whether or not Happy Meals are having an identity crisis, I’m pretty sure the Burger King Kids Club meals were more expensive. Just because McDonald’s spends two billion dollars a year to make itself look good, doesn’t mean you need to fall for it and forget that the McRib is neither a rib nor Irish. Have you considered that perhaps the huge multinational conglomerate is the one telling you how to think? You know, rather than placing the blame on a guy whose TV ratings were a two. And not a Nielsen two: just me and whichever wife Mr. Ross was currently married to. Sure, you may think no one can beat McDonald’s, with its money and influence, but Bob Ross and his happy trees spread joy and calmness across the globe. Feel free to waste your life away, hopping off walls in the PlayPlace, even though parents keep giving you that face, stuffing fat and sugars into your body. The rest of us are gonna get baked and personify this here cupcake.

Next On Danger Queue: Crime vs Punishment—We’ll Take It From Here, Dostoevsky

Apples vs Oranges

A much-needed comparison of apples and oranges.

SHAWN: Comparing apples to oranges, first of all, isn’t comparing apples to oranges. Because oranges are phenomenal. Juicy, strong, would kick any other pseudo-round fruit’s ass in a race (I’m looking at you, apple and pawpaw)—it’s the fruit for people who just love scrumptious things. Plus, it’s unique: not only does nothing rhyme with it (not even “corange”, Ryan, as that’s not a word) but it’s the only fruit whose name and color are identical. Rich in vitamin C and cuteness, it provides the yummiest and most popular juice in the world. What would be California’s most up-and-coming county without it? Blank County? Would you watch The BC? No, because you’d think it’s a TV show about God-fearing cavemen who write Easter riddles on slate. Get ’em all year round, even in the winter when everything else is dying! They’re ORANGE delicious!

What's the OC without oranges?

RYAN: Color me impressed. It takes a special something to be able to make it as both a fruit AND a juice. But while oranges can settle for just being “special”, people expect so much more out of apples. That’s why they’re used in everything: juice, cider, sauce, pie, candy, martinis. Hell, even McDonald’s makes apples part of their Happy Meals nowadays. And maybe you’ve heard of Johnny Appleseed? The American pioneer who travelled the country, spreading the joy of the single greatest fruit by planting appleseeds. I don’t remember hearing any stories of Johnny Orangeseed in American folklore. And last I checked, Steve Jobs wasn’t running a company named “Orange”. Oh, and not to spoil your “unique” angle, but according to our good friends at Urban Dictionary, “corange” is quite the word, as in “Oranges are very corange, despite apples’ clear superiority.”

–

SHAWN: Were you that kid who cited Wikipedia on his college papers? Urban Dictionary? Really? So we should count “corange” as much a word as “frenemy” and “shoplift the pooty”? And you want me to color you impressed? Sure, apple, which color? Red, green, yellow, black? Pick a color, indecisive fruit! Congrats on making it into McDonald’s Happy Meals, along with “chicken” nuggets that are made from Korean children. At least McDonald’s knows apples are gross and can sit around for ages—notice how they won’t taint the delicious, fresh oranges of the world? Not that they could, since the far healthier orange would just dry out when cut into slices and locked in a cellar with Grimace. And no Johnny Orangeseed needed; oranges, like all citrus fruits, are interbreedable! Have fun! So while you and your apples sip appletinis and get your mammograms, the oranges are inviting those busty grapefruits over for screwdrivers and a hot, sexy orangey.

–

RYAN: You know that saying “an orange a day keeps the doctor away”? Yeah, me neither. I wonder why that it is. Oh, I know. Cause everyone and their mom knows if you really want to keep the doctor away, you eat an apple every day. If you like dropping your money on doctor visits filled with rubber gloves and obscenely large popsicle sticks, go ahead and eat that orange. If that’s not your thing, you might want to consider the apple. They’re jam packed with nutrients and vitamins that other fruits can only dream about. That’s why when Ronald McDonald and gang needed a healthy alternative to french fries, they went with the apple. They probably didn’t even think about the orange, that’s how much the apple dominates the world of fruits. Maybe that incestuous orange of yours should go sleep around some more and create another type of fruit that no one but you will want to eat. Hopefully it will still be orange, since apparently you hate things with too many colors. That’s fine. But then how do you explain your torrid love affair with rainbows?

Don't see any oranges on that tree. I wonder why.

SHAWN: You brought this upon yourself by bringing up popsicle sticks, but let’s consider a little something called delicious popsicles. When was the last time a big-eyed kid approached, asking for a satisfying apple-flavored popsicle…or apple-flavored anything for that matter? And don’t play that “green apple” crap—that’s God’s flavor accident, right alongside buttered popcorn and coconut. Oranges clearly know a thing or two about versatility and making their way into children’s mouths. And why keep the doctor away? Remember what happened last time we kept doctors away? Yeah, that was AIDS, Ryan. And we couldn’t do anything about it until we let the doctors in. Plus, even if historians like Sarah Palin could prove that it was any other fruit besides the apple that led to the fall of mankind, advent of sin, and creation of all things horrible when Eve ate it, there’s no denying apples are the root (in this case, branch) of all evil. It’s even in the name: the Latin word for evil and apples IS THE SAME (mala). Last I checked, rainbows only symbolized God’s forgiveness. Roast an apple for me in Hell.

RYAN: I’m shocked that you’ve sunk so low to resort to the popsicle defense. Really? Popsicles? What’s next—Skittles and Jolly Ranchers? Oh, no, apples and evil have the same Latin root. What a coincidence! Yeah, coincidence. Nothing more. But even if eating apples is wrong, well then maybe I don’t want to be right. Sure, the creation of sin is kind of bad and all, but at this point, we can’t unring that bell. Eve already took a bite of the forbidden fruit, and really, who can blame her? God was probably all “Hey, don’t eat those delicious, juicy apples behind you. Instead have one of those orange things over there. But don’t eat the outside. That’s no good.” Gee, I wonder what happened? Maybe God should have made man to be little less succeptible to temptations. Like hobbits. So at this point, why even bother eating other kinds of fruit, especially oranges? We might as well eat all the apples that we can. What’s God going to do about it? Put us on double secret probation? I don’t think he’s got it in him.

–

Next On Danger Queue: Swords vs Hugs—Great Tools Of Death