The Jolly Green Giant vs Brad Garrett

Our hearts are only big enough for one giant half-man.

RYAN: The Jolly Green Giant is one of the most recognizable figures in the world, and even I’m not convinced his appeal is limited to just this planet. With a delightful smile and a cheery “ho ho ho”, this friendly giant has encouraged generations of children to be healthy and eat their vegetables, whether it be peas, carrots, corn, or a flavorful orgy of all of them mixed together. He’s become a cultural icon. In blatant defiance to the first commandment, the town of Blue Earth, Minnesota erected a 55-foot-tall statue of the Jolly Green Giant that can be seen from I-90, causing countless car accidents and deaths as gawking motorists try to get a glimpse of the lovable character. How many car accidents has Brad Garrett caused? Only one. And that’s because he failed to check his blind spot while changing lanes.

Admittedly not the best angle.

SHAWN: You want a 55-foot tall friendly giant with a delightful smile? Then look no further than one Brad Garrett. Blessed with a voice deeper than the Marianas, Brad Garrett is a living example of what happens when children eat their vegetables (stuffed with growth hormones, of course). Who needs a very fake character to tell kids how to grow up when they have a mentor who can physically tell them and then have the words “The More You Know” pop up behind him (I’m not talking about the commercials here—he really has that power)? Plus, Garrett has the added bonus of hilarious self-deprication. When was the last time the Jolly Green Giant sighed and said, “Everybody loves Little Green Sprout”? That’s comedy gold as only Garrett, the Surly White Giant, can provide.

RYAN: The Jolly Green Giant never said “Everybody loves Little Green Sprout” because it’s obviously not true. The Jolly Green Giant is the lovable main character of Green Giant products. He’s got name recognition and people absolutely adore him. The Little Green Sprout is the unknown, annoying loser sidekick, much as Brad Garrett was to Ray Romano in Everybody Loves Raymond. That’s the problem with Brad Garrett, he’s great as a number two but he’ll never make it as a number one. Just look at his show on Fox. Actually, you don’t even need to (not that you even would have). Just look at the fact he has a show on Fox. Fox! I hope at least he’s got the prime time slot right after Hole in the Wall.

SHAWN: Fox may have Hole in the Wall, but it’s also the host of long-running shows like The Simpsons and, well, Brad Garrett’s Til Death, which—oh, look at that—has millions of viewers every week. How many people watch the Jolly Green Giant’s program? Oh, wait, he doesn’t have his own show, just a can of peas. Kudos? Besides, the Emmy-winning Everybody Loves Raymond ran nine seasons and dominated the ratings. Better number two in one of the “most critically acclaimed TV shows in history” than number one in “tunic-wearing giants who love shitty vegetables”. And, speaking of Emmys…well, lookie here, Garrett’s won not a-one, not a-two, not a-three, but a-THREE. And, as we discussed in our Oscar debate regarding The Godfather and TSOTTP, awards like that don’t just go to anyone.

Garrett was supposed to play 'Wilson' on Home Improvement until they realized he was too tall for the fence.

RYAN: I didn’t realize a season and half was enough to dub Brad Garrett’s show “long running”. So what is it called when something has been around since 1928, like the Jolly Green Giant? Longer running? Culturally significant? Memorable? Everything Brad Garrett hopes to be? But congrats to him for winning all those Emmys. He must have faced some tough competition with all those other amazing sitcoms out there—According to Jim, The George Lopez Show, King of Queens, and all those other great ones that I can’t name cause at the end of the day they’re all still shitty sitcoms. Plus, it’s not like they hand those out each and every year, or anything like that. No, people will always remember those Emmy winners. And for the record, despite what you think, putting quotes around something doesn’t make it true or more convincing. It just makes you look like a jackass that still somehow thinks The Godfather is better than The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

SHAWN: I’m not sure what culture you live in where a puppet who frightens children is “significant”, but all I know is those quotes work just fine (source: Wikipedia). And you can’t say he speaks to you personally, since last I checked you were neither jolly, green, nor a giant. Either way, at least Brad Garrett doesn’t march through the hills screaming “Ho ho ho!” like he has no goddamn idea that it’s not Christmas. And ‘Til Death is in it’s THIRD season, attracting millions of viewers a week, compared to the Green Giant statue’s pathetic 10,000 per year. Plus, if you knew anything about the Emmys besides thinking George Lopez is consistently snubbed, you’d know Garrett was actually often placed against good actors like David Hyde Pierce and Jeffrey Tambor. Yeah, he outdeveloped Arrested Development, a year it pretty much dominated every other category. So, please, go around mooching off of Santa—I’ll be busy rooting for the voice of Wizard Whitebeard on Where’s Waldo? Yeah, you can concede now.

Next on Danger Queue: Shawn’s Halloween Costume vs Ryan’s Halloween Costume—Whose Sexy Sarah Palin Is Best?